VE's Fantastical Nonsense

You Don't See That Anymore - Part 3

2012-02-15T20:17:00.002-08:00

Ok, we're back from our commercial break and have one final grand finale of old photos that fit the theme "you don't see that anymore"...

We don't box our pets anymore. Now we just walk them on a leash and pick up their poop...

It's long been forgotton that fishing poles had another practical use...

Remember when oversized costumed people had to fill in for the organ grinder monkey shortage?

Flower hats were so seasonal and definitely had bee issues to be concerned about...

School PE instructors have it easy now. They don't have to dispense cigarettes and light them anymore...

These days, keeping your dead spouse in the house indefinitely is not permissible in at least 48 states...

What happened to the romance of a cigarette holder for two?

The penguin paparazzi seems to have disappeared to Hollywood to make movies...

And here you thought our generation was lazy for putting their dog on a treadmill...

These portable baby cages could come in quite handy at picnics and visiting with friends...

Doesn't anyone sew on their bike anymore?

Eventually Pandas got muscled out of the photography business because they were just too soft and gentle...

With gas prices the way they are now, they should bring back shared scooter commuting...

I don't know...you just don't see the NASA baseball team much anymore. PS - I don't EVEN want to know what that rip cord does that seems to be dangling between the pitcher's legs...

And there you have it. I think the gnomes did an excellent job showcasing our fantastical nonsense from yester year.

And we "bought" into these?

2012-02-13T12:57:00.000-08:00

We'll get back to the ridiculousness of the old pictures right after this commercial break (and you thought the pictures were wacky? Wait until you see these...)...

Of course...now we'd want to know if it was organic cocaine...

Not that there's anything wrong with that...

Times have changed. Look at the price? Last time I paid that much for anything was my TV Cable bill...

And while you're at it, start teaching him the finer points of electricity repair...

No wonder we're a fat society...we've stopped using sanitized tape worms!

This is perhaps why we have less doctors now...

Now here's some symbolism for the times. Somehow I think the man's head is down there these days...

Because all teenage boys are just fine showering naked together after PE...

This is propaganda at it's pinnacle. Here's what the fine print says: "How soon is too soon? Noot soon enough. Laboratory tests over the last few years have proven that babies who start drinking soda during that early formative period have a much higher chance of gaining acceptance and "fitting in" during those awkward pre-teen and teen years. So, do yourself a favor. Do your child a favor. Start them on a strict regimien of sodas and other surary carbonated beverages right now, for a lifetime of guaranteed happiness."

Wow!

Good old spanking...now that's what is missing in relationships these days...

I just can't help laughing everytime I read this one. Only a committee could come up with this...

You Don't See this Anymore - Round 2

2012-02-10T21:47:00.000-08:00

Time for another round of photos from yesteryear under the theme of "you don't see this anymore" with the usual addition of snarky VE comments...

Nothing like a fun day with KKK at the fair...

You just never see aligators at the petting zoo anymore...

Honestly, I can't think of a single reason why these boat shoes aren't still on the market...

Donkeys as backpacks fell out of favor with all the animal rights activists...

Gas mask dinner parties didn't quite catch on. They would come in handy for chilli feeds...

Alas, the only truly one-size-fits-all outfit is no longer available in retail...

Ice cube masks for hangovers sort of fell out of favor about the same time ice cube trays did...

And when was the last time you saw a doggie movie theater in your town?

Somewhere along the line knife throwing at children became politically incorrect...

Believe it or not, this was actually Southern California circa 1928. Nobody seems to want to just ignore the oil companies exploiting our land anymore....

You Don't See this Anymore

2012-02-08T17:46:00.000-08:00

You know what? I think it's time to spend a week or so with some visual humor here at Fantastical Nonsense. I've sent the gnomes scouring the universe for an assignment.

Everyone tends to think that things in the world are messed up more than ever. Well...they probably are but that doesn't mean they weren't messed up back in the "good old days" too.

And to prove my point, here's a series of visual photos from yesteryear under the theme of "you don't see this anymore..."

Nazi women's hocky players? And you thought female mud wrestling was politically incorrect...

Sadly the portable cigarette ash tray has fallen out of favor in society. I think now you have to have it 10 feet from your body...

Thanks to organizations like PETA you can't just employ your cat as your babysitter while you go out partying.

And to add insult to injury, outside window baby cages aren't allowed in most HOAs...

We have plenty of Teddy Bears but very few good old fashioned bear chairs...

Wheel riding just isn't as popular once fenders arrived...

The "See Saw" method of artilary fire is rarely used anymore...

And when was the last time YOU saw an Arbor Society member out in a hurricane saving the baby trees?

Raccoons just aren't as popular a pet anymore...

I don't know how it happened but Goat slides somehow slipped quietly out of popularity...

The Matrix - Beatles Version

2012-02-05T05:00:00.000-08:00

You know how there are countless versions of Monopoly? I’ve posted on it before but it’s the franchise mentality of board games. Take a safe bet and just spin it a different way. Uggh. The world doesn’t need three different versions of American Idol to watch on TV. We don’t need 297 different themed versions of Monopoly clogging the store shelf where we might actually put something original that we haven’t played 6,827 times before.

But you know, that’s such a “cup half empty” point of view, isn’t it? I think I could spin this into something very amusing. What if the “Matrix” had themed versions? Those crafty machines…I’ll bet they had some entire Matrix environments where they stuck poor humans into a completely themed reality. Let’s take a look…

The Matrix – Beatles theme

[Neo wakes up in the Matrix lying in front of the Albert Hall. He looks to his right…a tangerine tree. He looks to his left…rocking horse people eating marshmallow pies. Across from the Norwegian wood plaque stood an old man leaning over into Abbey Road just as a magical mystery bus is approaching.]

Neo [yells]: Get Back!

[The Old Man jumps back just as the bus goes by. He turns to Neo]

Old Man: Listen, do you want to know a secret?

Neo: Sure

Old Man: I was fixing a hole.

Neo: Tell me Why?

Old Man: Because they’re here, there and everywhere

Neo: I’ve got to get back to the USSR. Will this bus get me to the airport?

Old Man: You’ll need a ticket to ride…

[Neo made the bus in seconds flat and sat in the back. The woman next to him taps him on the arm just as the sunshine peers out from the clouds as they drive along]

Woman: Here comes the sun

Neo: It’s alright

Woman: I’m a singer in a band. I’m on my way to the marketplace. My husband has a barrow there. Hope you don’t mind my conversation.

Neo: Anytime at all

[Neo continues a casual conversation and then gets off at the airport while he looks for the hardline phone to get back to reality. Agent Smith is pursuing]

Agent Smith: Neo, you’d better run for your Life

[Neo evades him by jumping into a limo and sneaking out the other side but runs into problems trying to open the phone booth when a woman with kaleidoscope eyes approaches]

Woman: It never works. Let it be.

Neo: I’m making progress. It won’t be long.

Woman: Yeah, like when I’m 64! I’ll be on my way.

[Neo finally opens the booth and waits for the call. Agent Smith is approaching with a Silver Hammer to crush his attempts but Neo gets the call and escapes in the nick of time]

Trinity: How was the Matrix?

Neo: It’s getting better all the time!

Immersion

2012-02-02T05:00:00.000-08:00

I don't read a lot of books, but I do read and when I do I immerse myself. No, not just the ordinary focus where you forget the hot water is boiling until it has boiled out and heated up the pot to a temperature you could do a little metallurgy if you weren't so damned into your book.

I'm talking about feeling like you're alive into the atmosphere of the storyline and surroundings. Take my last book. I just finished "Ghost in the Wires" by Kevin Mitnick. It's a bit of a geeky book but essentially he was the world's most wanted computer hacker. The storyline follows a bit like that movie "Catch me if you Can" about the forger except in Kevin's case he didn't do any of it for profit; he was merely curious and did it for the intellectual challenge. A lot of the book revolves around him watching those trying to catch him and his elaborate techniques to safeguard from getting caught.

After finishing, I kept feeling like federal agents were on my machine, scrutinizing all my music downloads, checking the photos used on my blog for copyright sources. I was sure that somebody noticed that I removed that mattress tag despite the warning and now I'd have to go into hiding. Perhaps change my alias from VE to EV. That'll elude them!

The same thing happened with my last book, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. I got immersed. Now I didn't start smoking. I didn't have the urge to forcibly ram a vibrator up some guys butt (oh, wait, that might be a spoiler...sorry). But I did find myself immersed in suspicious activities within my family.
Suddenly I began to wonder, "What DID happen with my very first bicycle? It MUST be a conspiracy that I don't still have it 40 some years later."
And like in the book, I began to keep a wall chart of family member suspects. What about Grandma? She threw out everything! What about my father? Did he lose it in the divorce? What about that guy I hated in grade school? Perhaps he stole it and I've blacked it out of my consciousness!

You can see where this might get to be a problem...

If I reread Lord of the Rings I might stop wearing shoes and then be inclined to take long walks across private and public lands with the ring from my first marriage hanging around my neck in the hopes of finding the source where it was forged so that I could undo all the bad that was caused while all along trying to avoid contact with my ex and her "dark rider" inlaws. Whew!

There are some books where I fear at some point I might not come back from my immersion...

What a typical conversation with VE is like while driving

2012-01-30T21:50:00.000-08:00

Ever wonder what its like having VE in your car having an actual conversation during every day life. Well...I've documented it here...

[VE & Wifey-Poo driving down the road. VE sees person in Chicken outfit]

VE: Why is there a giant chicken over there dancing? Aren't we in the suburbs still?

Wifey-Poo: They're trying to get you to come in to Great Clips and get a haircut

VE: Do dancing chickens make people spontaneously desire to get a haircut?

Wifey-Poo: No, but it's targeting kids

VE: Seriously...what kid have you EVER known that volunteered to suddenly get a haircut?

Wifey-Poo: It's actually for the parents of the kids. The kids will like the dancing chicken and want to see him.

VE: Sneaky. The ol' bait and switch technique. Pretend you'll see the chicken and get suckered into a haircut instead. I need to warn the children...

Wifey-Poo (rolling eyes): You are a child...

VE: Apparently not so much. When I see a chicken all I can think of is BBQ sauce...mmmm

Of Epic Runs and no Common Sense

2012-01-26T18:15:00.000-08:00

By now most of my long time readers have figured out for themselves that while I'm not stupid by any means, I also have no common sense.

I mean, wasn't I the guy that

- Kept on going right past the warning sign that said "Danger, wounded bear in area" sign at the Alaska trailhead (and of course I did run right into a grizzly...just not that one)

- Didn't see the sign that warned of waves that would invert you and leave you paralized (which I boogy boarded anyway and end up inverted, snapped my neck and cut open my eye)

- Got bored and took a long stroll outside in Taiwan while Super Typhoon Zeb was in full force (still in the top 15 largest storms ever)

The list goes on.

And so it comes as no surprise when I tell you that Portland finally had to pay for the dry and gentle weather we had in Nov/Dec by lashing out with a monsoon of rain all at once...and I needed to do my run outside so might as well just get wet and go anyway.

Now we're not talking your typical misty rain that Portland usually gets. This was full on drenching rain; the kind that overflows streams and rivers and causes roads to collapse and houses to slide off those stupid hillsides they shouldn't have built them on in the first place.

And I thought...seriously, how bad could it be?

Ok, it was bad. Very bad. There was a portion I had to go across our running path that had a river with rapids going across it. It looked a bit like this...

I was regularly running in 6 to 8 inches of water throughout the 6 mile loop and some places were up over a foot.

Normally I don't wear a jacket ever but decided to put on my running rain jacket. What a joke. I had to tilt my arms down every minute or so to let the water poor out of them like I was a human tea pot.

My running cap kept the rain out of my face and that felt pretty dry until, to add insult to injury, a rogue blackberry bush reached out and snagged it as I ran by. As I went back for it that damn blackberry bush dropped it into a giant puddle leaving me to have to wring it out and put the soggy thing back on my now much wetter head. Ughh.

And just when I thought I'd was the only fool out running, suddenly another person came by running in...get this...a cotton sweatshirt.

I cannot imagine how heavy that sweatshirt got after a mile or so as it soaked up rain like a sponge. In fact, he might has well have worn a sponge.

Sponge running tops haven't quite caught on at the competitive level though. You could just hear the announcer at the Olympic Marathon..."I don't know what happened. He was running so light and fast earlier in the race and then the rains hit..."

So, I tipped my arms down to drain my sleeves, smiled that there was somebody out with less common sense than me and finished my epic run.

The positive was that my shoes had become so caked with mud from trail running lately that they were unrecognizable as to what brand they were. This run fixed that nicely.

What a difference a day makes

2012-01-17T11:55:00.000-08:00

I would have posted earlier but I spent five days in Sun Valley, Idaho hobnobbing with the rich and famous and skiing. I only skiied for 3 days but got in 100,000 vertical feet. That's over three times the height of Mt. Everest!

The secret was that while the rest of the USA was lacking in snow, Sun Valley had perfect runs because they make a lot of their snow and the weather has stayed cold and kept the snow in perfect condition.

So while Californians were whining about their 12 inches in the Sierras and having their ski lifts only able to open a couple of their 100+ runs, we skiied without crowds, in sunshine and on great snow. While Colorado, Montana, Utah, etc. cried over a lack of snow, we sooshed left, we sooshed right and laughed at our ingenuity in skiing to only place you could.

And then I came home and the next day saw this at home:

Now, it doesn't snow much at all in Portland and this was just a dusting but an hour away in the mountains they were expecting 3 to 5 feet! So the drought of snow was over. What a difference a day makes.

Oh, and yes, this little dusting brought out a weather reporter camped at every intersection in the city. Yes, nobody worked and everyone panicked in traditional Portland fashion. And yes, that is a gnome in my backyard.

He's not amused with snow either!

Exploding Hair and Animal Fashion

2012-01-12T08:45:00.000-08:00

"People are Strange"

- Jim Morrison

"I'm locked in tight, I'm out of range....I used to care but things have changed"

- Bob Dylan

Once again, I have to give Jim and Bob credit; they call it as they saw it and having had dinner at a local franchise restaurant featuring mediocre food hyped up as something special the other night, I witnessed their prophetic lyrics first hand.

The wifey-poo noticed right away but I had to actually turn my head to the booth across the aisle from us. It's hard to describe the shock. Imagine a nuclear explosion eminating from a persons head but instead to blowing brain bits twelve miles away, this one only blasts her white hair straight out from her skull into something that looks like this:

Sure, she might have big hair to compensate for well, how do I put it delicately...her obseity. I wanted to take a picture but it's hard to stand there will a cell phone camera and say, "Excuse me, smile for my blog post on your riduclousness..." with a straight face. The wifey-poo even tried to take one from the outside window and then run like teenagers but the reflection got in the way.

But that's not where the strangeness stopped either. An Asian family sat down at the table next to them and the father was wearing this:

Yes, its not every day you see an actual animal hat being worn and not taken off in the restaurant. And to add icing to the cake, he had a tail hanging down from the chair which was attached to someplace I don't want to know!

Ok, sure, I can go out on the net and find weirder hats...

I can go out on the net and find weirder hairdoos...

But seeing them in person at a franchise is just a bit more disturbing and the only thing I can conclude is that I should have known better than to trust a chain restaurant!

That is all.

Would you tolerate this?

2012-01-07T13:02:00.000-08:00

I actually have a point to this post so bear with me. I know, it's a complete shock to think I have a point at all...

See if this scenario would be acceptable to you....

[mechanic] "Yep, looks like your engine is completely seized up. You're gonna have to replace it for a new one."

[poor consumer sap] "But I just got it last year!"

[mechanic] "Yeah, that's pretty common. Oh, and it looks like half your breaks don't work either."

Sound acceptable? Ok, let's try this scenario...

[Furnace Repairman] "Ok, half your ventilation ducts aren't venting; they'll need to be replaced."

[poor homeowner sap] "But I haven't used the furnace all year and the house is only two years old."

[Furnace Repairman] "Oh, get used to it. I'm sure you'll have to replace as much next year too."

Sound acceptable?

I thought not...

So why is it that we tolerate 50% of our fucking outdoor Christmas lights to suddenly not work every single year? Are we just idiots or frazzled out holiday consumers trying to eke through the holiday rush as efficiently as possible and don't really care at that point?

I'll say it now so that next year when you're standing in line buying more light replacements and strands you'll remember my words, "Good luck with that car and furnace too!"

How Christmas with VE went down

2012-01-05T22:11:00.000-08:00

Ok, the holidays were pretty good for VE and the wifey-poo. After sending the gnomes out around the neighborhood to go caroling by singing "Feelings" in an Alvin and the Chipmonks pitch, we settled down for some stocking stuffers.

Nothing says you care like organ doner soaps. Thanks, Santa! After the stockings we broke into our traditional molar cupcakes for a morning treat...

Then came the real gift opening. The theme this Christmas was music and since I'd already illegally downloaded every song I've ever heard or heard of to put on my ipod, CDs weren't an option so we went with more elaborate choices.

Of course I got my mobile boom box T-Shirt that I'd been wanting (which is being demonstrated by this buzz-cut idiot that needs a belt for his pants.)

And the wifey-poo got the speakers pillow...because everyone should have music blasting in their ears to get to sleep properly these days.

Yes, another good holiday...hope yours was as quaint and traditional as ours...

The Secret Censors Code

2012-01-03T11:16:00.000-08:00

Happy New Years from VE and the Gnomes!

Having a teenage boy I felt fortunate that I’d somehow missed a high percentage of badly made action films that my son dragged me to. Lord knows I saw more than my fair share when I was a teen.

So it came as not much surprise to find myself watching “Snakes on a Plane” with him. At least it wasn’t in the theater and I could compensate by amusing myself with my laptop, smart phone, magazines and a plethora of other ADD items at the same time.

However, this wasn’t on a movie channel and so censorship was in full throttle during the movie. Now, censorship is a funny discipline. It comes in several forms:

1. Blank out the profanity. This doesn’t work particularly well for the F word though. If you’ve ever heard this technique applied on the radio then you know that just blanking out the middle of that swear word still yields that same word when you hear it. I guess it’s the lazy man’s way of addressing the issue.

2. Beeping out the profanity. This will either rend the picture highly irritating or highly amusing depending on how much beeping they end up with. You can imagine a picture like Scarface or the Big Lebowski being a solid beep.

3. Making up an alternative word with a voiceover. This is the most amusing option. First of all, it changes the original move. Not that TV hasn’t been doing that anyway as they cut and chop to squeeze in more commercial time. But sometimes they get really creative.

So back to Snakes on a Plane. The infamous line in the movie is when Samuel Jackson says “I’m sick and tired of these mother-fucking snakes on this mother-fucking plane!”

Now…I don’t know what they substituted for “mother-fucking snakes” because I wasn’t paying enough attention but they substituted “mother-fucking plane” for “Monday through Friday plan”!

I had to voluntarily blink twice and confirm with my son what I’d just heard. This had to be the most hilarious switch up for a swear word. I also think it’s a great inside code word that we all can use in our daily lives.

Imagine going to work and saying “I love my Monday through Friday job!” We all know what it really means! You can take it further. Go to your back-stabbing boss and tell them they’re a real “Monday through Friday” type of person!

Yes, thanks to the censors, I now have a secret code I can apply and then smile as nobody will know what I’m REALLY saying

Things in my Neighborhood that Make No Sense

2011-12-15T19:24:00.000-08:00

Fortunately I don't act like the typical American and fill up my calendar with a bunch of ridiculous commitments and end up brain-dead from lack of sleep or overwork or endless repitition of life.

And because of that, I'm able to deviate from my forest runs or my ridgetop bike rides and just observe all that is around me with the quizical curiousity of a child (and let's face it...I'm pretty child like in attitude anyway).

But as I wander around the neighborhood with my camera, I'm just stupified with all the things that make no sense. Let me share...

Oh, yeah, now that's helpful! Seriously, was did the developer just have a twisted sense of humor or was he just very non-creative in naming the streets here.

Ok, the story here is that they are building some new houses on this land and they took all this dirt away, spread out hay to keep the ground from getting all muddy, leveled the property, brought in gravel and then proceeded to add this huge pile of dirt onto it. They even had a backhoe sitting on the top of it digging a hole?! WTF? You didn't need to dig a hole if hadn't brought the dirt here in the first place!

This is one of those strange older ranch houses that sits defiant of all the sub-divisions and McMansions being build around it. But what makes no sense here is how on Earth a Subaru Brat has survived and is still running to this day. Seriously...it's not even in bad shape.

This is some shack that sits next to a field. It makes no sense because this thing would have to be only a single room and no more than 300sf big! And if you think that is small, check out that "garage" next to it! It might fit your scooter. Talk about an open floor plan though. I have to think that you can probably reach from the toilet to the stove to the TV withough moving much (and without even using a remote). No wonder it is boarded up.

Hey, riddle me this...why do they need a gate and card reader here? Don't ya think I could just drive around it? And do you think the house was built far enough away? It's not like your entering an estate with a castle built on it.

Here's what makes no sense with this. If I have to cut the damn tree...why wouldn't I just do that at 2:00am and save me a bunch of money?

I may not know much but this looks quite fishy. Here's a house that is board up except the garage door. It has No Trespassing signs all around it. It has a delapitated delivery truck in the driveway. But then it has this expensive well-kept Ford Expedition next to it. Oh, and that stays in that exact same position for about two weeks and is then mysteriously replaced with a pickup that also stays and doesn't move for the next couple of week. There are no lights or any signs of life when I drive by. Meth house? Crazy people? You decide...

Now, I know what you're thinking...this sign is fine. Sure, it's fine if you live along the Mexican border or down at the beach along the rowboat path from Cuba or something but it's a bit nonsensical next to a suburb of Portland, Oregon. In reality, they are supposedly keeping you out of the things in the picture below...

Which has me wondering...are these REALLY just water reservours or are they secret missle silos aimed at Russia left over from the cold war? I mean...water reservours in Oregon...the capital of rain...isn't like they should be worried about a hostile takeover or something.

Yes...it pays to look around sometimes and admire just how ridiculous things are right next to you!

Happy Holidays from VE and the gnomes (and disregard that they keep trying to put you on Santa's naughty list as a joke...)! I'll try to post once or twice next year...

Top 5 Stalker songs

2011-10-27T07:35:00.000-07:00

No wonder they say music messes up everyone with their suggestive lyrics. I've gone ahead and compiled the top five songs that are definite stalker songs. Let's take a look...

Number 5

Turn Around, Look at Me - The Vogues

There is someone walking behind you,

turn around, look at me.
There is someone watching your footsteps,
turn around, look at me

Yes, even those innocent teen days of the early 60s went a bit stalker. Somewhere along here we moved from "I want to hold your hand" to following her everywhere. Creepy.

Number 4

I Can See for Miles - The Who

I can see for miles and miles and miles and miles and miles

Oh yeah

If you think that I don't know about the little tricks you play

And never see you when deliberately you put things in my way

Well, here's a poke at you

You're gonna choke on it too
You're gonna lose that smile
Because all the while

I can see for miles and miles

I can see for miles and miles
I can see for miles and miles and miles and miles and miles
Oh yeah

Great, an ex that stalks with magical eyes watching your every move. This is why you should never date magicians...or people with good eyesight for that matter...

Number 3

I Will Follow You - Little Peggy March

I will follow you
Follow you wherever you may go
There isn't an ocean too deep
A mountain so high it can keep me away

Don't let her innocent name fool you, she's a full-time stalker! She's determined! Personally, I thought the bottom of the ocean would be stalker-free

Number 2

Run For Your Life - The Beatles

You better run for your life if you can, little girl

Hide your head in the sand little girl
Catch you with another man
That's the end'a little girl

Yes, even The Beatles wrote a stalker song. Perhaps they were tired of a billion screaming girls stalking their every move.

Number 1

Every Breath You Take - The Police

Every breath you take

Every move you make
Every bond you break
Every step you take
I'll be watching you

Every single day

Every word you say
Every game you play
Every night you stay
I'll be watching you

Every move you make

Every vow you break
Every smile you fake
Every claim you stake
I'll be watching you

Well, you have to hand it to Sting for creating the ultimate stalker song. Watching a person's every breath takes a lot of concentration and time. This is like the pinnacle of stalkerdome!

The Wonderment of Music through the Ages

2011-10-22T14:03:00.000-07:00

Ah, the beauty of music...so full of emotion and wonder. It doesn't matter what generation you're in, there have been plenty of thought provoking songs to amuse us all. Let's examine through the decades:

1950s

Who wasn't mesmerized by Buddy Holly's riveting xylophone solo on the hit "Everyday"?

Who didn't also ponder the hopeless question of Eddie Cochran's "Ain't No Cure for the Summertime Blues"? Psst....Eddie....the cure is called premature death! Sorry about that dude. Hope you're enjoying the other side.

Who didn't wonder whether Mack was actually part real blade in some kind of pre-Edward-Scissorhands tragedy when Bobby Darin sang "Mack the Knife"?

1960s

Who couldn't feel the anguish when Kyu Sakamoto sang "Sukiyaki" despite the fact that nobody knew what he was saying because it was in Japanese? You could feel the emotion in his voice and melody. Never mind that the title had nothing to do with the song; it was added so we English speaking people could actually pronounce the title and catapult it to number one where it still holds the distinction of being the only Japanese song to reach the top. Of course, the real anguish is that around the same time we lost Ricky Nelson and Jim Croce in plane flights, Kyu boarded Japan Airlines in 1985 and became one of the victims of the single deadliest plane crashes in history. As "The Dude" would say, "That's a bummer, man"

Who wasn't on edge wondering if Mick Jagger would ever get any Satisfaction? I mean if a rich English rock and roll lead singer at the height of his career during the British Revolution couldn't, what hope was there for the rest of us?

1970s

Who didn't share a tear as Wildfire busted down his stall forcing his owner to brave the "killing frost" looking for him but neither were ever seen again (because fortunately they didn't do cheesy song sequels back then)?

Who didn't want to call Children's Services when Wayne Newton sang about running away from his daughter on "Daddy don't you Walkso Fast"?

1980s

Who would have ever thought George Michael would find love again after Careless Whisper? Ok, it was in the bushes with some guy and destroyed the rest of his career...but hey, who said love was easy?

Oh, and speaking of George Michael, who didn't think "too much information" when he sang "Wake me up before youGo-go"? I really don't want to know when he has to go-go...just make sure he sprays when he's done!

Who just couldn't when Frankie Goes to Hollywood sang "Relax"? Seriously, nobody really knew what he was talking about anyway.

1990s

Who didn't wonder just where the dogs ended up as the Baha Men sang "Who Let the Dogs Out"?

Who couldn't resonate when Right Said Fred sang about being too sexy for his car, hat, shirt, love and cat? (and hair, apparently)

2000s

Who didn't glow in the tender traditionalism and values of Destiny's Child's "Bootylicious"?

Who didn't go online looking on Google Maps after listening to John Mayer sing "Your Body is a Wonderland"

I Saw the Light

2011-10-09T11:20:00.000-07:00

One thing about the planet having 6 billion people and nothing to do...there's pretty much creativity on any subject you can think of. Take any ordinary item and you'll find something weird out there on the web. Let's try it out. How about lamps?

Ok, we all remember the "Christmas Story" lamp; perhaps one of the most famous of weird lamps. Not a gift I'd give to an amputee though...

This is one of my favorite; what's not to like about alien cattle abduction?

The blender lamp is certainly safer than the blender aquarium...

And you thought kids can't build something useful with a bunch of sticks...

Invariably, if you let artists use their imagination...these are some examples of what you will get. I think that wrecking ball is only good for one hit though...

And we can't forget rock stacking...it seems to still be popular judging from all the stacks I see when I'm out hiking around...

VE goes to Texas...well, Austin that is

2011-10-01T15:11:00.000-07:00

The wifey-poo and I went to Austin, TX back in May to get some sunshine. I know, after all the rest of the country is coming out of a blistering summer, that concept is a little hard to get your head around. But let's look at the rain stats for Portland this last Spring: March - 30 days of rain. April - 30 days of rain. May 25 days of rain. And so on and so forth until mid July.

So mid May seemed like a good time to go to Austin. First of all, their temperatures were only high 80s during that time, not the endless 100 degree days they get in the summer. Second of all, kids weren't out of school anywhere so we didn't have to deal with a lot of tourists. While it is fun to hand out candy to strange kids just to see their parents freak out like you're a predator, one can only go to jail so many times before they think you really are a predator. So...it was a no mischievous kid prank vacation.

Some interesting observations about Austin:

We have a slogan in Portland called "keep Portland weird". So do they (well, not Portland, but Austin)...and they had it first. I guess we're the copy cats.

There is a LOT of eclectic businesses and hippy type mentality there. I liked it. Where else can I go to an organic juice shop and get a $16 juice that replaces a meal and that more than 50% of its ingredients are things I have no idea what they are other than a feeling they are good for me?

Everyone in Austin is a musician. Well, pretty close. We asked about music festivals and they just rolled their eyes because there's at least one major one every weekend. You can catch good music any night of the week. We even sat two tables away from Dennis Quaid at one place. I yelled "Hey, rookie..." He didn't get the joke...damn those gnomes for making me do that.

They have this bridge that has bats living in the cement seams underneath it and every night they fly out to eat bugs. We're not talking about a couple of bats either. We're talking around a million of them. It takes them about 20 minutes to all leave and fly off; the sky filling with a long winding black thread of bats extending for miles. Talk about a traffic jam!

The event is watched by tourists and locals nightly from the top of the bridge. I secretly wanted to show up later in the week wearing a Batman costume but the wifey-poo would have nothing of it. Damn.

We tried a couple of new things while we were there. No, not brain transplants or time warp short cuts or anything cutting edge like that. We went paddle boarding on the river (which is damned in so many places it is really more like a lake with a small current). Paddle boarding is basically just standing on a really, really big surf board and rowing with a paddle. They're pretty stable except beginners get sore feet from cramping or they go numb from lack of movement while you panic trying to stay balanced. After getting the hang of it, playing around with it, testing the speed of it I realized that I'm just standing in the middle of the water and that in reality, it gets boring pretty fast. Time to move on...

The other thing we tried were those nerdy Segway machines. We took a city tour on them that turned out to be a private tour as nobody else showed up. These machines are pretty easy to handle once you understand how they work. They go pretty damn fast when you are on them too. They are, however, a lot more expensive than simply getting a T-Shirt that says "Yes, I am a f..king tourist!" and wearing that around for awhile. Same result too.

One of the more eclectic neighborhoods had an interesting landmark motel and I don't know...I guess it was just me but I found the sign to be quite the phallic symbol. And their modern business building that was visible just downtown? We'll that one had a vagina top. Definitely a feminine building. Am I the only one that sees these things? I did a Google search and with 6 billion people on the planet, no one else that has been to Austin has pointed this out.

But hey, keep Austin weird!

Just some observations

2011-08-03T19:39:00.000-07:00

Hey, remember when VE was here all the time and the gnomes caused all that mischief and life was good?

What happened?

Yeah...I'm still around, still not motivated, still too busy living life.

But...

I do have my whacky observations...

For example, I have a running joke with the wifey-poo that every time I see a "Pods" storage thing sitting outside a house, I say, "Oh, their inlaws must be in town..."

Another observation...

Have you noticed that the number of service people is directly proportional to how busy a place is?

For example, we were at the movies the other day during an off time; hardly anyone was there...but the same with the ticket sales people. Only one damn ticket sales person for this ridiculous 20 mega movie theater! Go on a busy time and sure, they have three or four sales people but there's 100 more people in line too.

Same goes with my supermarket. I go when it is busy and there are a lot of checkers but too many people waiting so I go when it is less busy and guess what? One checker! I even went at like 2am once and guess what? NO CHECKERS! I had to find the guy because he was busy stocking the aisle.

You just can't win...

Vizic Puzzlers

2011-04-26T22:46:00.000-07:00

I know...all my readers are geniuses. So let's test you out over the next few weeks (which really means only a couple of posts given my lax attitude on posting).

Music is an expression of sound. But can it work visually? Let's test it out. I've translated a familiar song lyric into a visual. I call it a Visic. In making them, I didn't bother to use the word "the" in any of them so that is implied. Also, some words may only sound similar. Still, if you are one of my genius readers, you'll catch on.

So...can you guess the lyric or song?

Too hard? Try this one...

Too easy? Let's try another...

I know, you're just too good. How about this one?

Careful, they're getting a little harder...

You think you're SOOO SUPERIOR, don't you? Well, take on the one the gnomes came up with

So...let's see how visionary you really are!

New Things

2011-04-23T14:38:00.000-07:00

Coming to a Gas Station Near You

First there was the Ford Explorer
Then there was the Ford Expedition
Then there was the Ford Excursion

Well…the gnomes have done a little investigating and found out that right before the oil companies decided that nobody could really stop them from charging $4-$5 a gallon for gas Ford had another even bigger SUV in the works.

The model? You got it…the Ford Excretion! Because you’ll shit when you see how much it costs to fill the tank in that behemoth. Oh, and then you’ll shit again when you find that the gas mileage is so poor that you cannot get back home without filling it up again.

Bad Guy Store Update

I stopped over at the Bad Guy Store again the other day since I have all this free time now that I’m not posting every single day. Turns out the bad guys are still buying those machine guns that don’t hit people like they are going out of style.

They did have a fun new device that sends out 2500 distinct garage opener signals every second. The bad guys can now go around the ritzy neighborhoods in the winter when everyone has gone South to seek the sun and open right up and come on in.

Just wait until they perfect that auto computer virus that has your car break down in a remote place based on geo coordinates and then allows the bad guys to hijack your car without any outsider hassle.

Technology works both ways, folks…

Vanity Store Update

It’s been a little tough in the “one upsmanship” for phone owners. Seems everyone and their brother have the latest, greatest smart phone. So how can you make your friends and acquaintances feel truly inadequate in these times? The Vanity Store has the answer. They have a unique phone holder that makes it appear as if you have a 30% bigger and vastly superior phone that you just tell them you’re on the elite prototype squad but that because of proprietary liability you can’t show them the phone or let them touch it. They’re selling like hot cakes to the superficial people of the world…

Bad Music Advice

2011-04-15T10:34:00.000-07:00

Of course, the dumbest thing you can do is be gullable enough to take the advice from songs you hear on the radio. Let's explore:

10cc, The Air That I Breathe: Sometimes…all I need is the air that I breath and to love you
That "sometimes" lasts about 5 days without water…

Stephen Stills, Love the One You’re With: if you can’t be with the one you love. Love the one you’re with

That excuse worked with the spouse in the 60s…now, not so much…

Talking Heads, Take Me to the River: Take me to the River, throw me in the water

Errr…it was a metaphor and regardless, probably not wise to throw him in just up from the class V rapids

Rolling Stones, You Can’t Always Get What You Want: You can’t always get what you want…but if you try some time, you just might find…you get what you need

Or…you don’t

Bobbie McFarren, Don’t Worry, Be Happy: Don’t worry. Be Happy

Stevie Wonder, Don’t You Worry About a Thing: Don’t you worry about a thing, sweet mama.

Oops…you missed your window…the metastasis has reached your organs…

No Self Pump Here

2011-04-08T17:43:00.000-07:00

Are you squemish about blood? You are? Ok...I'll save that story for next time.

I have to say that I'm the type of guy that will let my car run on fumes before I go to the gas station. The gas station is just a waste of my time and so the fewer times I have to go there; the better. Oh, and I have one of those cars that when the dummy light goes off that means: "Do not pass Go, go directly to a gas station!"

When I bought this damn SUV I didn't want a V8 motor. I wasn't planning on towing the house behind me to go camping. It's more fun trying to pack the contents of the house inside for 48 hours and then unpack them again. But I didn't opt against the car because at the time, gas was less than $2 per gallon. Who knew?

I'm also fortunate to be in one of the only two states in the nation that don't allow you to pump your own gas. I like that. Some people get all incensed like their freedom is being yanked from them. Get a grip and move to Montana! Sheesh. They obviously don't live in Portland where it rains 2000 days a year. So while the idiots in Washington just north of us have to get out in the cold and rain and figure out how to operate the damn pump, I'm snuggly in my car letting some halfway-house employee do the job for me.

I mean really, look at the idiots that have pressed the stickers instead of the actual buttons on this photo of a gas pump with instructions! I'll admit, on occasion I've been forced to pump my own gas because I would have had to push the car over the border back to Oregon to avoid it; and there have been times when that was just as tempting.

So go out there in your dress ups and shower your hand with gasoline as you go to your big night out. I'll be listening to tunes and letting somebody else bath in fuel instead.

Worms

2011-03-31T19:08:00.000-07:00

Today ended the rain in Portland. No, it wasn't sunny. It just didn't rain. That makes for 30 straight days of rain. 30! WTF!!!

Now you have to understand, this isn't one of those southern showers where it rains really hard for an hour and the rest of the days is sunny and nice. This is the Pacific NW where everyday activities stop should the clouds part and reveal that strange blue color above them for two mintues. They could have filmed that scene from Independence Day when everyone stops to look up at the alien spaceship right here in Portland during the spring. They wouldn't have even had to pay for the extras. And that's what it has been like; every single day with heavy clouds and rain and wind. Even a hard-core third generation local like me has reached their limit. Actually, I reached my limit after day one but only because I've traveled the world and I know there are places that have sun outside of summer.

After a good long rainstorm...like our 30 days...there inevitably are thousands of worms laying in the sidewalk and on the street. I feel bad for them because it isn't easy running without squishing some of them.

It's not their fault either. I watched some animal planet special during a serious bout of boredom for which there are probably drugs advertised on TV. According to the special, they get washed out of their homes after rainstorms just like a tsunami washing out our second homes built right on the beach with a three foot sand drift between the ocean and total ruin. Duh.

Imagine their plight. There just laying at home watching reruns of Flipper when a huge rain wave of water floods their house and the next thing they know they're abandoned on some foreign street. No time to even leave a note posted to a pole that says "Look for me on 6th street."

And though my house hasn't been flooded and I haven't been washed down the street....worms...when it comes to rain...I feel your pain.

More Fun with Star Wars

2011-03-20T07:00:00.000-07:00

Yoda: "Soon I will rest, yes, forever sleep. Earned it I have. Twilight is upon me"
Luke: "But didn't Qui-Gon Jinn come up with a way to communicate from the dead?"
Yoda: "Great. There goes my forever sleep..."

Roasts and Parties

2011-03-15T20:03:00.000-07:00

I have to wonder how I managed to publish a post five days a week when now I get around to it about one a week if I’m lucky. Perhaps I’d stepped into a parallel dimension that gave me 42 hours in a day. That’s enough to sleep 10 hours like I enjoy. That’s enough to watch stupid TV shows I shouldn’t. That’s enough to even bother to work a full day. That has to be the answer.

So while I was avoiding actually writing something, I flipped through the channels to find that Comedy Central was roasting Donald Trump. Come on. Why do they always pick such easy targets? Remember the David Hasselhoff one? This is like playing horse with a basket the size of Delaware. They should choose harder to roast subjects. How about Tom Hanks? I mean he did have that ridiculous hair in the DaVinci Code movies. I wonder if they put him on Lithium to dumb him down for that character too.

But Tom is still too easy. How about roasting Mother Theresa? What about Ghandi? How about Jesus? Up the bar, Hollywood! Sheesh!

I guess on the other end of the spectrum there are people so mean, despised or evil there’s just no fun in roasting them because they either welcome the abuse or they kill your entire family afterwards. But that’s a bit too extreme. If you scale back the crazy you find all these people that just piss you off. These are the people that despite all your nicety nice attitude and good Samaritan ways make you want to push them over that edge they’re leaning over.

For these people, you need a special party. You know, one where you make chocolate covered dog poo (rocks are fun too as they tend to require more dental work). Pin cushion twister is a good game to set up for entertainment. Just imagine all the creative things you could add to this party…

Saw Saw Gabore

2011-03-02T14:05:00.000-08:00

You can file this update under "those too irritating to die"...

Seems Zsa Zsa Gabor is back in the news. Again. The 94 year old actress can't seem to stay out of it. Not that she ever did. Of course, last time she was in the news they amputated part of her right leg. This time around she has no feeling in her left leg.

It sort of makes you wonder if even her own body parts are so fed up with her that they're fleeing. Pretty soon she'll just be a body and a head saying "slap that man, Dah'ling." She's not looking too hot though at 94 so I think the pickings for rich husbands is dwindling these days. I mean even Hugh Hefner can land a twenty-something now-a-days. Of course, she wasn't always this hideous...on the surface...

If they're going to take her other leg, they might as well sign her up for the next sequel of Saw! It's the perfect opportunity. Heck, if you can't get her into that then at least consider a 127 hours sequel. They can dump her down a slot canyon, give her a pocket knife and roll the film. And if you find that too enjoyably morbid then put her on the Biggest Loser reality show. There aren't too many there that lop off a major appendige in a given week. Even though she probably weighs like 80 pounds, that leg should get her a weekly winner spot!

Oh...and she might as well donate her two legs to Charlie Sheen anyway. I mean, when it comes to Charlie regaining any credibility, he doesn't have a leg to stand on...

VE with PE

2011-02-27T11:29:00.000-08:00

Yeah, I can't bear hospitals either!

If you're wondering what PE is...no, I don't have to climb that damn rope in physical education at the school. No, I don't have a personal emu following me around writing bad checks to retailers. The gnomes are working on that last one though...

Last Wednesday I traded in my four hour work meeting for what was behind curtain number two...a fun 12 hour visit to the Emergency Room.

It all started when I got up from my computer chair early at work and it felt like Andre the Giant had snuck up from behind me and was squeezing my chest. That's unusual because Andre has been dead for a few years now. Also, the whole thing made it difficult to breathe.

Now I'm not stupid; I know most of the classic heart attack symptoms and this felt pretty darn classic. Classic as in Stairway to Heaven classic. But just how can a gnome owning, exercising, heathy eating, non-smoking, mostly non-drinking, non-stressed person be having a heart attack at 49? I felt the same way when I learned Sara Palin makes more money than I do..."this isn't fair!"

So, knowing my own tendencies to not deal with pain and just put up with it (remember when I broke three ribs skiing on the first day and continued to ski all weekend because I'd already paid for it?), I called the wifey-poo for advice. Sure enough...I was on my way to the local clinic

The local clinics apparently aren't used to people with those symptoms walking up unnancounced. I think they're more used to their fear-induced drug-dependent slowly dying sorts that have a myriad of maladies because the TV commercial told them they did.

So I walk in and tell the front desk person my symptoms and she directs me to another sad clinic waiting area with another front desk person saying "make an appointment there, you could get in tomorrow or Friday." "With heart attack symptoms? Really? Don't you think I might be dead by Friday?" I respond.

The other front desk person wasn't so callous. Apparently she wasn't winning the game of solitaire most likely on her computer screen that I conveniently couldn't see. She sent me right in. So while I'm reading a two year old sports magazine...hey, the Olympics are coming to China!...they take a myriad of vitals. You know, your weight is important should you keel over. Then they know whether to soak your window for the cost of a heavy ok casket or a light pine version.

Gary Coleman's casket with name appropriate attached

One thing my side of the family has a history of is high blood pressure. Since I avoid all things medical, I didn't really know much about blood pressure other than they have these automated ones that could squeeze your arm into a Burger King straw...and enjoy doing so just to get two numbers I don't understand anyway. Still, apparently my numbers are good...111/60 when I'm not sitting in a clinic awaiting an ambulance. With that kind of stress it bumped up to more like 132/80. Still not bad though.

So, I got yet another amubulance ride. Last time I rode an ambulance I had a bone sticking out of my arm and five fractures and kind of wanted some sort of pain medication after enduring that state for over an hour. This time I thought it was all a big over-production...kind of like the TV show Glee.

At the ER it was a never ending session of tests. You do something and then you wait a couple of years for the result and then they do something else. EKGs, Cat Scans, ultrasounds...all important and life saving and all ridiculously boring. Ok...injecting the iodine for the cat scan makes you feel like you just peed your pants but it's pretty uneventful.

In the end, it turns out my heart is fine...healthy as a horse (I don't know why people say that...it's not like horses are living 200-300 years or something). What they did find were two tiny blood clots in the lungs. Since I have no risk factors for getting them, they're wondering how they got there. I could blame it on clots in the legs from a long plane flight but I haven't even done one of those for awhile. They did an ultrasound looking in the legs for others. Of course, I had to wait my turn among the pregnant. How joyous. "Congratulations, VE, it's a baby blood clot!" Actually, none were found in my legs. My symptoms were merely one of the clots getting obstructed in the vessels of the lungs. They have similar symptoms to those of a heart attack. All I have to do is take blood thinners for several months to allow my body to dissolve them. Blood thinners aren't exactly fun is you don't like needles...lots of needles. For the first six days I get the fun opportunity to inject a two inch needle into my stomach twice a day. They say it's to allow the thinner medicine to be accepted easier. I say its some cruel dark humor the nurses and doctors conjured up to break up their stressful days.

So there it is. PE stands for pulmonary ebolysm. A fance word for a blood clot in the lungs. But I'm alive and healthy heart and have a cat scan to prove it. That's a lot of rigamorole to get one. I could have just taken the neighbor's cat and crammed him onto my printer/fax/scanner and hit "Scan" if I'd wanted a real cat scan...sheesh...

A Bunch of Stuff

2011-02-20T12:07:00.000-08:00

What the hell? Apparently Westminster Abbey is already booked for Friday April 29th?!!! And here I was going to book the Gnome family bingo night. Damn. Maybe the Buckingham Palace is available since all the people that hang out there will be at this wedding anyway. Besides, the gnomes like to mess with the guards to get them to move. Let's just say they're a bit jumpy about tazers now.

You know, while I was gone I was planning my next big world travel adventure. The pyramids were on my list too. It would have been so VE-like to have shown up there right during the protests too. I mean, the last time I was in Sao Paulo, Brazil the gangs were taking over the city and fire bombing police. It was a state of emergency! It's not like I plan these things either. I don't have airline tickets to North Korea to hand out "Democracy Rules" bumper stickers or something. My plans are meager; simple. I've been thinking about Spain, Portugal and Morocco this Sep. With my luck there will be some sort of conquistador uprising while I'm there or perhaps desert sand demons will descend from the Sahara to take over the market in Morocco. These things just happen when I travel.

You know, I'm quite disappointed in liquidation sales. I just finished a 20 mile bike ride and spied one of those professional sign twirlers out on the street spinning their signs around while they trip out on drugs and music and I thought...you know, I'm pretty damn thirsty. Liquids are what I need right now. Of course, I've never tried liquid furniture but I was willing to give it a try. It might have a nice woody taste to it. So I stopped in...what a ruse...nothing was liquid at all! See how life is full of disappointment? Next thing you know I'll find out the Nigerians aren't having trouble moving millions of dollars into the USA through personal bank transfers...

Been Gone Awhile

2011-02-14T19:58:00.000-08:00

It feels weird to be back and writing in my own blog after all this time. Sort of like going back to your old childhood neighborhood...without getting mugged, of course.

So what has VE been doing during all of this time?

- Taking advanced typewriter repair courses. Ya gotta look after your career...and your teeth.

- Writing virtual posts. They're as useful as regular posts; they just don't take up any time.

- Mastering the yoga pose savasana. If you don't know this one; it's basically just lying flat on your back and doing nothing. I find it the only yoga pose I'm truly flexible enough to master without looking ridiculous or being in pain. The real trick is avoiding snoring.

- Adding random countries to maps of Africa. It's fun. I mean, come on, countries in Africa change names more than women change fashion! What's a newly made country like Botsogide between friends? Most people are ignorant anyway. They won't know it doesn't exist until they can't book their flights to adopt babies from it.

- Researching Gumby's geneology. There's a reason his head slants to one side...but that's classified.

- Starting a Canadian Nascar franchise. Apparently all that frigid air up there knocked some sense into them because they won't come outside in -50C temperatures to watch a bunch of readnecks spend $25,000 in fuel just to drive in circles.

After Years of Searching

2011-02-11T07:58:00.000-08:00

That's right...I finally found somebody that gives a shit!

We're back...to fade to black

2010-10-31T20:18:00.000-07:00

What the hell...it's already Nov 1st?

Interestingly, I didn't sign on to my blog once during my sabbatical. I didn't read any blogs (sorry, guys). I didn't jot down any humor ideas or thoughts.

So what did I do with my five weeks off?

I started taking Yoga, I wrote a 20-chapter non-fiction book that still needs another 10 chapters before its done, I spent quality time with the family, I did a lot of hiking.

I'm afraid to say it but I think I've come to the end of the line for my humor blog. I've been getting a strong urge to do some more serious writing and thoughts...I know many of you have similar blogs.

What it comes down to for this blog is what my blogger friend Kurt once said, "Where's the humor?" After all this time, I think I'm paraphrasing him but he's absolutely right. You've got to stick to what your readers expect and this has always been a bit of a crazy and zany humor ride. I seem to have lost that now. Not in ability to produce more of it but in interest to do more. Hey...over a thousand original humor posts is a lot! It's been a good run.

What is sad is that while I might change my mind and come back here again I can't be certain of that at all. I know I will miss the many cyber friends I've made along the way. I think soon I'll be starting up another blog (yes, another...) called "Tunneling to the Moon" in which I'm going to have more personal bits, more introspection and observation, not necessarily all funny though. You're welcome to let me know if you want to read that or not when I finally get started.

As a parting gift for now, just leave me a comment. I hope to make the rounds to your blogs to thank everyone for reading all these years.

See you out in cyberspace!

VE has left the building...

Break TIme

2010-09-25T16:26:00.000-07:00

Well, with attendance down here by about half my usual audience and with posts dwindling down to only one or two a week and me not visiting much of any blogs these days, I've decided I'm going to take a little sabattical and recharge the batteries.

Actually, it's not that I'm short on ideas for posts, it's that I'm just interested in a number of things and no longer seem to find the time to work on posts here. So rather than fade away with no clue what happened or say I'll come back when there is peace in the Middle East, I'll set a definitive day to come back: Nov 1, 2010!

Until then, the gnomes will be watching...

- VE

Car...isma

2010-09-22T07:19:00.000-07:00

You know what we haven't done here on Fantastical Nonsense in a long time?

I know...a post! Smartasses! No...a good old fashioned photo feature of ridiculous fantastical cars. It seems that I can find no end to ridiculous choices for a very personal ride. So here's a bunch...with obligatory snarky VE comments, of course.

Of course, you can't say it's "hands-free"

I have no idea either, but it's gonna piss off the street windshield cleaner...

They finally found King Tut's personal car...

Let's just hope the interior doesn't smell like a shoe...

Now why didn't anyone else ever mount a pipe organ to a car?

M-i-c K-e-y V-W-B-u-g

Let me guess...it has one horse power

And you were just going to throw away all those 80's era floppy disks!

And who WOULDN'T want personal muffin cars????

The only car approved for the Poseidon Adventure...

Just avoid driving too fast...it gets a bit drafty...

I've heard of drag racing, but dragon racing?

He did well...he got the engine...

A good smile helps alleviate road rage when you cut off people...

Let's see...take one part VW and three parts aluminum...

St. Louis is just like home...not

2010-09-16T16:10:00.000-07:00

You were probably wondering when a post was going to appear here again. Me too.

I was busy enjoying some time in St. Louis, MO which seems to be home of the empty windowless brick building because I saw a bazillion of them in my drive from the airport to the cushy tourist hotel right by the arch where I stayed. In Portland, brick is a sign of stature and success. Most places were wood. In St. Louis, brick is a sign to move on in the winter because that windowless hull you’ve been homesteading in won’t get any warmer when the snows come.

St. Louis is a bit like Portland, OR.

We both have two rivers joining. St. Louis has the Mississippi and the Missouri. Portland has the Willamette and the Columbia. That means traffic headaches for both us trying to go over bridges.

We’re both about the same size. St. Louis has an official population of 354,000 but a metro area population of 2.9 million. Portland has an official population of 589,000 (almost twice the size) but a metro area population of 2.2 million. That means while Portland doesn’t like to spread out as much. I know this to be true because Oregon is fanatical in their land-use restrictions. I have a new motto for them based on these statistics:

PORTLAND…Like a virgin in high-school, we don’t spread!

They can thank me with a big fat royalty check later…

The temperatures seemed to be the same in both cities when I went. It was essentially low 80s and sunny. But in Portland, that meant 32% humidity and in St. Louis that meant 60% humidity. So for September that meant that I could wear shorts, T-shirt and sandals to the St. Louis Cardinals game and not feel like a snow cone for sale once the sun set. Had it been July or Aug the story would be much different. I also have a feeling that while we in Portland get a little drizzle and have to put on a Gortex rain jacket in winter, if you did that in St. Louis in the winter you would be a snow cone.

I got to go to my first major league baseball game at Busch stadium. I don’t think they liked me when I tried to order a Coors beer though. While I didn’t have the traditional red St. Louis Cardinals T-shirt on, I kept from getting beat up by wearing a red T-shirt. Most people were too drunk to notice that mine said “Ngorongoro Crater, Tanzania” on it. I think a Saturday Night Live T-shirt would have worked too. SNL is pretty close to STL and people get so confused about acronyms anyway.

During the game (and I’m not a baseball watcher mine you) the lead off batter for the other team was a guy by the name of

FUKUNOME

I’m not making this up! You pronounce it. Is it

FOOK YOU KNOW ME

Or is it

FUCK YOU…NO, ME

They’re right. The intricacies of baseball ARE fascinating. Oh, and in the end the Chicago Cubs did a

FUCK YOU…NOT ME

on the home team by beating them 5-2. The only saving grace was that we walked around the stadium checking out hot women err...I mean looking around and ended up watching the game from the outfield during the ninth inning…right where they hit the only home run in the bottom of the ninth. I’d say about 40% of the crowd there had left by that time.

Fortunately we had a mob of several thousand to walk with back to the hotel so we didn’t get mugged that evening. It was a distinct possibility because St. Louis is one of the highest crime rates in the country.

Oh, and yes, I did take the crazy tram ride up to the top of the St. Louis Arch. I was absolutely certain something would happen while I was up in that thing but alas, the only thing that happened was banging my head just like everyone does when they get in and out of the tram to the top. That thing was covered in aluminum or stainless steel or something and I was amazed the meth addicts hadn't stripped it for recycling money yet.

All in all, it was a good paid for time because I stayed within the 9 block radius of the arch and stadium where it was safe!

VE on TV...Again

2010-09-11T10:50:00.000-07:00

First of all...I'll be in St. Louis for the next four days (starting Sun) so if you're close by and want to visit VE in person...I'm at a conference right by the arch...

Now on to the ridiculousness...

Maybe I was related to Forrest Gump. Remember his line, “So I went and met the President of the United States…again.” Of course, that’s not something many people get to do in their average lives; particularly at the White House.

A week from now I’ll be the spotlight of a TV feature. No, this isn’t a remake of Little Gnome on the Prairie or something. This will be a feature on my crayon collection. Seems when you have several thousand crayon boxes displayed in one room, you get media attention.

Again.

And this is where the Forrest Gump tie in is. He seemed to easily step into famous and fantastical things unbeknownst to him; he was just doing whatever he was doing.

Me too. Well, perhaps not nearly on such a grand scale. But consider how many times you’ve been on TV or in the paper unrelated to your job (should that increase it). Never? Once? Twice? Three times a Lady? Oops, sorry, 70s flashback nightmare starting there…

Well check out my media history

- I had a two page feature in the paper back in 1978 as a teen for mazes that I drew.

- I was in the news when I created a 10K running race for the Coast Guard back in 1983

- I had a picture of me climbing and some interview quotes back in 1988 for helping a friend create the second indoor rock climbing gym in the USA (he missed being first by only a couple months)

- I was on Night Line in 1988 as they filmed the devastation of Hurricane Gilbert in Cancun, Mexico

- I was interviewed by all three local Portland news crews for being one of the first people back from Cancun after the hurricane

- I was featured in a video for inline skates back in 1992

- I had a picture and a short interview in the paper back in 2006 for getting a ticket while on my bicycle in the middle of nowhere for an infraction I didn’t commit (the police in the town were corrupt and under scrutiny for money making from citations)

- I was interviewed on the nightly news in April 2010 as a news crew happened to be hanging around our sub-development looking for a story on why so many home buyers were ignoring the economy and buying homes in our area. I just made up my own opinion and they showed it. Ridiculous.

- I had a two and a half page feature on my crayon collection and hobby in the local paper in Aug 2010

And now I’ll be on TV. Again.

Not that I’m necessarily complaining but I’m not a media hound either (well not chronic…). Add to this all the whacky episodes in my life from airplane engines on fire over the Amazon to jumping from ship to ship in the Bering sea to a blown engine in the Mojave desert and what’s it all add up to? Some parallel universe where I’m Forest Gump minus all the money! On the positive side, no matter how many campouts I do, I’ll always have a fresh campfire story to tell….because we all saw a fur bicycle on our last road trip, right?

In the Future...

2010-09-08T00:05:00.000-07:00

Most of you were understandably disturbed at my visions of the distant future awhile back. Given that I can’t get good cell phone reception when I use my time machine to travel to the past, I tend to go to the future more often. It’s fun to look up friend’s offspring and play the same pranks on them that I did on my friends. Apparently evolution isn’t THAT quick to respond with a defense mechanism.

And since you haven’t been disturbed for at least one or two posts, I thought I’d share more sneak previews of the future.

In the future…

Teachers will have a special device to look through in order to validate that all of their students are actually real people and not holographic digital representations of kids that are skipping school.

Money won’t exist. There will only be a number representing a positive or negative value that you can use to purchase from and the value services you provide increase it (nobody in the future has a job, they provide value). This number is embedded into your wrist and can be used to automatically scan at retailers and activities worldwide with a real-time Google download application.

Everything runs on gravity. They’ve figured out one of the Earth’s constant forces that doesn’t create pollution and harness that to provide transportation mechanisms and power pretty much everything.

Every cell phone is actually a cell transmission tower that can provide coverage for others. Since the population in the future is exponentially higher than it is today, there’s virtually nowhere in the world you can’t get coverage because there’s virtually nowhere in the world you wouldn’t see somebody around texting.

Science will have discovered the DNA key to aging and can “lock you down” at a certain point in your life so that you never age again. Of course, the repercussions of being semi-immortal are that retirement age never comes. Oh, and once the “lock down” is procedurally done, it cannot be reversed. Another drawback is that the Global Human Ethics Consortium Knowledge Office (GHECKO) also ensures that no reproduction works after the process to avoid generational problems in offspring. Of course, locking down is prohibited for development ages under 18 and minor things to consider are menstruation cycles for eternity, acne for eternity, etc. depending on the time you choose the “lock down”.

Clouds can be programmatically burned away through very large reflective satellites that target the sun’s rays and exponentially reflect them directly into unwanted cloud cover and thus evaporating them. This same technology can be used as a ray “spread” that sends sunlight reflections into an even disbursement across a pre-determined area effectively heating up a potential cold spot. With such technology, the Global Weather Agency is one of the richest and most powerful entities on the planet with every group, event or faction competing to control weather situations for their needs (be them crops, events, water levels, safety, etc.)

And there you have it…more glimpses into the future. Maybe I should get into science fiction writing...

MBO

2010-09-06T04:00:00.000-07:00

I know…right about now you’re already trying to decode the acronym in this post title…

Mustard Baloney Omelets?

Making Bionic Orifices?

My Bulimic Ostrich?

All good guesses. All wrong. MBO stands for Mountain Bike Oregon. It’s an event held annually now for the last five years and my step-cousin’s husband (very similar to my best-friend’s aunt’s sisters neighborhood boss) has been nagging me for years to join him on it.

Sure, I ride bikes. I’ve done a lot of riding. I’ve ridden the 140 miles around Mt. Hood in a single day with its 35 mile uphill section. I’ve ridden Seattle to Portland in a day with its 200 mile length. I’ve ridden 7 day tours where you average 80 miles a day on a bike. I’ve done plenty of mountain bike trails years ago too.

But this was a world class event and only 300 people got in to it. I’m not sure why I was one of them.

The days consisted of guided rides through impossibly steep forests on ribbon-wide trails that would make a hiker cautious. Instead, we were subjected to hill climbs that looked like the streets of San Francisco but with roots and rocks to go over while doing it. I wanted to cry on a few uphill climbs but I was too out of breadth to do so.

Most of the rides consisted of about two miles of climbing straight up and then 14 miles of descending down. Riding down a ribbon-wide trail over roots and rocks is a bit like operating a jack hammer for about three hours. You lose all feeling in your arms and hands and you’re muscles are dying from too much braking to prevent certain death.

The first day out I avoided the hill trails and followed along on a river trail. It was a beautiful trail…I think. I was too busy balancing myself on the trail going up and down endless ups and down with mini cliffs on one side and poison oak encrusted hillside on the other.

I also foolishly rode in the middle front of the pack which meant I got to follow the middle guide as they tore down the trail at this ridiculously blinding speed that I gullibly followed. I was holding my own until I got a little too close to the river side of the trail and it collapsed on me sending my front wheel down off into the abyss and smacking me down on the hard trail like some pre-rehearsed WWF televised event. But unlike WWF, I had real blood and dirt oozing from my knee, leg and elbow.

Still, nothing was broken and so I continued on and survived without another real fall for the rest of the day. Of course, at one point I tipped over into the embankment, which was hardly a fall since I could push myself right back upright without getting off the bike. I think it was at that point that I got poison oak in my wounds. I wouldn’t break out with a major case of it until three days later though.

On day two we did this infamous ride called “Alpine” and again I was ill-prepared and got stuck towards the back of the middle pack which meant mind numbing speed on the descents. There were places on this trail that a fall meant death! Drop offs while descending over rocks and roots on the side of a hill with a trail no wider than Karen Carpenter looking from the side!

I simply hung on for dear life and had no idea where the trail would lead and if I’d stay on it. At one point I spaced-out and veered toward a big drop off and was so balanced on the edge of the trail any slight point would have toppled me over. Luckily I willed my way back to the center of the trail and I never spaced-out again on the trip.

We camped at an RV park because my cousin had an RV but we all had tents that we pitched on the gravel site next to the RV. There we were, camped right next to the highway. I mean right next to it. Behind us were the train tracks with trains coming every two hours all night long. On both ends were these blinding lights for the complex that never went out. Fortunately I was too exhausted each night to even ponder not sleeping. I did have dreams that I was camped in the middle of the road in downtown Portland though.

After three days of riding I’d survived without any serious injury. As a group we’d managed to consume 24 kegs of beer…a new event record. I’ve still got a lot of poison oak because it takes almost two weeks to get rid of it and only a week has passed. While there were things that were fun…because of the poison oak and the likelihood of death or serious injury, particularly since I am VE, I think next year instead of riding up the pass, I’ll just pass entirely.

Things that make absolutely no sense

2010-09-03T00:05:00.000-07:00

I’m compiling a list of things that make absolutely no sense. Feel free to add to the list.

Organic Twinkies

Lunar air-conditioning

100% compostable pistol

Tunneling to the moon

Rhythmic pole vaulting on ice

Zippered socks

Emissions-free strip mining vehicles

Encrypted billboards

The giagantic 3D TV at Stevie Wonder’s house

Jenga – the car dashboard edition

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A Flash 55 is a post written using exactly 55 words. Visit Mr. Knowitall to read other Flash 55 entries this week.

Great Typo Moments in History

2010-09-01T00:05:00.000-07:00

Great Typo Moments in History – Part 720

Our next great typo that changed history comes from the world of physics.

Yes, the BIG BANG THEORY was actually a typo.

It should have been the BIG BONG THEORY but the dope-smoking “scientists” that formulated it back in the 40s were never that attentive to the proper use of vowels.

Of course, their theory is that they could get really high if they only had a scientifically created device to deliver the smoke in a way that made only those with serious addiction problems not choke when ingested.

Eventually, the bong was created and in a parallel to the Big Bang Theory, continued to get created again and again and again despite governmental agencies best efforts to eliminate it.

But the most compelling evidence of the typo is that you’d have to be high to try and calculate the beginning of the universe through scientific methods. Right now, that appears to be around 13.7 billion years ago. So if you’re in a time machine, try to avoid that date…

Death and Snowstorms

2010-08-30T17:11:00.000-07:00

Hold the phone...somehow in screwing up a future post, I deleted my current post...and all the comments that went with it. I'll repost the comments since I have them in my email. Meanwhile, here's the damn post...again!

Everybody got caught in a snow storm over the weekend, right?

Yes, the VE effect of all things weird and ridiculous emulating directly from me seems to be intact and functioning. We were over at Crater Lake on the weekend because the wifey-poo and kids had never seen it. And if you’ve never seen it…shame on you. It’s the clearest lake in North America and also the deepest. You lose your keys in that water and you’re going to have to wait for new technology to go down and get it because the bottom averages somewhere around 1700 feet.

So needless to say after endless 80-95 degree days, the single day I choose to go was supposed to be 70 degrees. Well, the clouds started getting dark and the temperature starts dropping

58…54…52…48….44…41…38…35….32!

WTF? I’m in shorts and sandals and I’m traveling through a veritable blizzard along with all the Asian tourists that inevitably travel everywhere. My son didn’t think there would actually be any at Crater Lake. It’s sort of in the middle of nowhere so I made a bet with him. Sure enough, the very first car we saw people get out of…Asian tourists! Ah…such easy money…I sort of hate to take advantage of his innocence but he’s got to learn some time.

Even more fun was the fact that the “snow cloud” was actually obscuring the view of the entire lake…which is sort of the point of going there. We did find one small little visibility window and took a couple of quick pictures but that was it.

Oh, and if you don’t believe me on the VE effect, consider that for a second year in a row, the narrow-ass winding mountain road we chose to take to get back home was ground to a halt due to a fatal accident just up the road from us.

Last year it was a motorcycle accident within sight of us. This year it was a head on between a pickup camper and a sedan. The sedan lost…big time. It was a solemn grizzly scene because while we did not see the accident, just looking at the car you knew that nobody driving could possibly have survived. I haven’t seen a lot of cars mangled that bad…even in movies.

I guess if you’re gonna have to check out of the world prematurely, might as well leave a ten mile line of cars and an hour delay to get through the wreckage. I would.

Fruits and Vegetables Must Adapt

2010-08-27T00:05:00.000-07:00

Eventually, people aren’t even going to know what a fruit or vegetable is. They’re only going to recognize pizza, chicken tenders and other fast food like substances. It’s already happening. I watched “Food Nation” in the spring and none of the kids in a school knew what a pea was. Scary.

In the same way that vegetarians market their yucky tofu to make them look like appetizing meat dishes, the vegetable and fruit markets are going to have to dress up their presentation. You know, make a pizza out of fruits. Shape and cook potatoes to look like chicken nuggets. I know, it’s ridiculous but it’s becoming reality.

Vegetables and fruits are going to have to adapt now. They’re going to have to start the process to change their evolution and morph into something that looks appealing if they’re ever to hope to get eaten.

Let’s listen in to part of a conversation at a pre-farmers market prep meeting in the future…

Oranges…what can you do?

We’ve been brainstorming for hours. We think we can fool those people that eat the sugary candy that just look like orange slices by dipping ourselves in small coconut particles.

Oh, and our juice can be used to fool people into thinking they’re getting that orange Taco Bell taco grease instead of something healthy.

Excellent. Brocolli?

We can cut our stalks into the shapes of lots of candy. Lifesavers, Skittles, M&Ms…you name it. Before the stupid sugar junkies know what hit them they’ll have their days supply of fiber and Vitamin K!

Nice. Kiwi?

Well, we’re brown and fuzzy and just the right size. We’re going to hang out with the cucumbers if you know what I mean!

Interesting.

Ok…that wraps it up. Get out there and get eaten!

Slangin' Around

2010-08-25T00:05:00.000-07:00

Do you realize you’re probably walking around blabbering slang and jargon and you don’t even realize it? Don’t worry…it’s been going on forever. In fact, let’s see how clever you are. Try and identify which decade these phrases came from?

1. Hipster
2. Keeping up with the Joneses
3. Gnarly
4. I’ll be a monkey’s uncle
5. Catch you on the flip side
6. Daddy-o
7. Phat
8. Dig it
9. Peeps
10. Gag me with a spoon
11. Zowie
12. Eye candy
13. Dude
14. Moola
15. All hot and bothered

Good luck and may the force be with you…

If Trees Could Talk

2010-08-23T00:05:00.000-07:00

A couple of weekends ago we were hiking in a wilderness that hadn’t been logged. I know; you thought there weren’t any left other than the twenty or so Redwood trees the tourists take pictures in front of.

These trees weren’t as big as the Redwoods because nothing is. But being 400 years old or so, they were definitely huge. We’re talking four or more people connecting their arms around them huge.

Imagine the stories they could tell in all that time. I would think the tale was sad though. Development, fires, relatives and friends lost. The usual.

And as we passed through these giants, we could see other big trees that were ripped in half from wind or lightning.

The thing about trees is that they still look like trees for a long time even though they’re completely dead; just some length of a stump.

In human terms, that is an odd concept. There you are with you’re family when suddenly lightning takes out mom before your very eyes and then you’re doomed to having her dead stump standing there for several hundred years reminding you of better times. Like I said...sad.

Imagine if it worked the same way with humans. What if we died but our bodies never really got around to rotting for 20 or 30 years? You’d walk down the street and see that cyclist that got hit by the guy texting his mistress on the way over; just his arm sticking up out of the storm drain.

Relatives would still be in their rocking chairs and you’d have to move them around to get anything done around the house. Recent war or riot areas would look like something out of a Madam Tussaud’s Wax Museum.

I guess trees can’t relate to our comings and goings anymore than we can relate to their longevity and standing still. Perhaps that’s a good thing.

Lyrical Locales

2010-08-19T00:05:00.000-07:00

A week or so ago I did a post which referred to a location from a popular song. There were several readers who didn’t know what I was referring to. It got me thinking; perhaps I should just do an entire post on lyrical locales. So I have…

Lee Ho Fook’s, London

From Werewolves in London by Warren Zevon

I saw a werewolf with a Chinese menu in his hand
Walking through the streets of Soho in the rain
He was looking for a place called Lee Ho Fook's
Going to get himself a big dish of beef chow mein

Corner in Winslow, AZ

From Take it Easy by The Eagles

Well, I'm a standing on a corner
in Winslow Arizona
It's such a fine sight to see
It's a girl, my Lord, in a flatbed
Ford slowin' down to take a look at me

The Palace, NJ

From Born to Run by Bruce Springsteen

Beyond the Palace hemi-powered drones scream down the boulevard
The girls comb their hair in rearview mirrors
And the boys try to look so hard

Chelsea Drug Store, London

From You Can’t Always Get What You Want by the Rolling Stones

I went down to the Chelsea drugstore
To get your prescription filled
I was standing in line with Mr. Jimmy
And man, did he look pretty ill

Grand Hotel, Montereax Switzerland

From Smoke on the Water by Deep Purple

We ended up at the Grand Hotel
It was empty cold and bare

Alice’s Restaurant and The Church, Great Barrington, MA

From Alice’s Restaurant by Arlo Guthrie

Now it all started two Thanksgivings ago, was on - two years ago on
Thanksgiving, when my friend and I went up to visit Alice at the
restaurant, but Alice doesn't live in the restaurant, she lives in the
church nearby the restaurant, in the bell-tower, with her husband Ray and
Fasha the dog.

Waldo Pier, Salsalito, CA

(because though the song mentions Frisco Bay, he actually sat here when he came up with the song)

From Sitting on the Dock of the Bay by Otis Redding

Sitting on the dock of the bay
Watching the tide roll away
I'm just sitting on the dock of the bay
Wasting time

The Chicken Ranch, LaGrange, TX

From LaGrange by ZZ Top

Rumour sprendin' a-'round in that Texas town
'bout that shack outside La Grange
and you know what I'm talkin' about.
Just let me know if you wanna go
to that home out on the range.
They gotta lotta nice girls

Penny Lane, Liverpool England

From Penny Lane by The Beatles

Penny Lane is in my ears and in my eyes
There beneath the blue suburban skies
I sit, and meanwhile back

(on a sidenote, Violet Hill by Coldplay is not very far away)

Ventura Highway, California

From Ventura Highway by America

Ventura Highway in the sunshine
Where the days are longer
The nights are stronger than moonshine
You're gonna go I know

Albert Royal Hall, England

From A Day in the Life by The Beatles

And though the holes were rather small
They had to count them all
Now they know how many holes it takes to fill the Albert Hall.

Saratoga Race Course, Saratoga, NY

From You’re so Vain by Carly Simon

Well, I hear you went up to Saratoga
And your horse naturally won

Ipanema beach, Ipanema, Brazil

From The Girl from Ipanema by Gilberto Astrud

Tall and tan and young and lovely,
The girl from Ipanema goes walking,
And when she passes
each one she passes goes "a-a-ah!"

The Five Hypotheses

2010-08-16T13:08:00.000-07:00

Five hypotheses on why you couldn’t blend in should you time travel to the distant future:

1. You have hair. In the future nobody will have hair. Hair follicles will be removed prior to birth as part of the birthing options configuration process. In the distant future, hair is represented as a holographic expression of your individuality from implanted display ports inserted throughout your head. All other body hair is considered unnecessary and un-cool and with the exception of facial hair, not simulated via holographic display.

2. You have white bone-looking teeth. In the distant future, teeth are entirely transparent and used for advertising or personal messaging. Bone-looking teeth, no matter how white you may bleach them today, are considered ugly and primordial.

3. Your eyes are visible. In the distant future, highly interactive goggles are permanently mounted using a standard that allows for a variety of goggle choices and functions. Everything from a video screen to outer-personal-representation can be customized with your eye goggles. Eye vision discrepancies are a thing of the past as the eye goggles automatically adjust to your near, far or stigmatic conditions.

4. You have a nose that sticks out. In a controversial move, nose cartilage growth was removed from the DNA strand allowing for a uniform flat slit nose that allowed for all the functions of the nose without all the drawbacks of the nose.

5. Your skin is imperfect. In the distant future, pigmentation is controlled through a master control program embedded just above the wrists of every human being. They are able to dial their own degrees of pigmentation to reflect their surroundings or express their own individuality. All external influencers like the sun are shielded out by using a common moisturizing cream lightly sprayed on at the end of all shower programs. It’s the same cream developed to eliminate all forms of skin cancer.

WTF Gallery

2010-08-14T02:00:00.000-07:00

That’s right, these images need no dialogue. They fall right into the WTF Gallery I’ll be opening featuring strange photos rational people don’t want to think about.

Welcome to my opening…

From Pong to Palm

2010-08-12T00:05:00.000-07:00

This week’s Theme Thursday is Palm.

Let’s go way back to 1997 when we didn’t have to bring a note from our mother and get stripped searched at the airport. Back when the British had to give back Hong Kong to China because the rental lease was up.

Yes, it was also the debut of the palm pilot. Wasn’t it nifty? You could actually do these things on it:

Schedule something in the date book (that’s a calendar, not your next frisky dinner with Vivian or Raual!)

Put an address in the address book

Edit a To Do list

Write memo’s in the memo pad

WOW! Amazing. My days were so busy back then that I needed a palm pilot.

2:00pm – Pick Nose
2:30pm – Fix the VCR tape the machine ate
4:00pm – Throw the tape away in disgust
4:30pm – Watch Crocodile Hunter on TV
6:00pm – Contemplate why the Crocodile Hunter doesn’t die from his adventures

Well, you get the idea.

No phone, no app of a roaring fireplace to set out for Thanksgiving, no games, no death ray, none of that fun stuff!

How on Earth did this stuff even take off?

And what’s with the name to begin with? Palm pilot? I really don’t want my palms flying anywhere without me. In fact, my palm only has one purpose. Oh, get your minds out of the gutter. Puleez! You know, to remind me what color I was before the summer sun turned me into a born-again Jamaican.

Remember folks, it’s only been 13 years since this device came out and now we see it as simplistic and goofy. Imagine what we’ll think of the Apple 4 in 13 more years?

Stupid touristy things I haven’t done yet.

2010-08-10T00:05:00.000-07:00

Stand on a corner in Winslow, AZ

Pretend to be holding up the Leaning Tower of Pisa for a photo

Try to gain the attention of the guards at Buckingham Palace

Raise my arms up in the Rocky Balboa pose on the steps in Philadelphia

Shape my body like one of the letters outside Disneyland ala “YMCA”

Go to the top of the Empire State Building on Valentines Day

Run along side the Tour-de-France bike racers for 8 seconds of an 80 hour, 20 day race.

Reenact the Lavern and Shirley intro bit outside a brewery while in Milwaukee, WI

Buy a multi-thousand dollar outfit and parade around Miami unshaven in my rental Ferrari

Stroll into the Regent Beverly Wilshire Hotel with a hooker at my side

Walk through the countryside in New Zealand wearing furry feet

The Answers are Finally Here

2010-08-07T04:00:00.000-07:00

The trouble with artists who write songs that ask questions is that they never get an answer back. This concerned me and so I’ve taken on the responsibility to finally return some answers to those questions that have been out there so long. Here goes:

Girl, by The Beatles.
Lyrical question: “Is there anybody going to listen to my story all about the girl who came to stay?”

Yes. But only because you’re in The Beatles and there’s a finite amount of awesome material by you guys. Had you asked me this, Paul, after you went solo and wrote Ebony and Ivory and Silly Love Songs I would have to change my answer.

Do you really want to hurt me by Culture Club
Lyrical question: “Do you really want to hurt me?”

Not anymore. My policy is not to risk jail time for 80s has-been musical acts even though there are still sudden urges toward violence at yet another playing of this song. Besides, I think he’s hurting for money enough these days.

Does anybody really know what time it is by Chicago
Lyrical Question: “Does anybody really know what time it is?”

No. Time is a concept designed by humans to subject other humans toward compliance and unity. Nobody really knows what time it is because nobody cares. What people really care about is either power, control or their own self being and time is the red herring toward that end.

Should I Stay or Should I Go by The Clash
Lyrical question: “Should I stay or should I go?”

Go. Duh! I mean he says right in the lyrics that if he goes there will be trouble but if he stays it will be double. Several thoughts come to mind here:

1. Never double up on trouble
2. Just walk away and put an end to the suffering (a favorite line from Road Warrior)
3. With intelligence like this it’s no wonder the punk movement didn’t survive

Why don’t we do it in the road by The Beatles
Lyrical question: “Why don’t we do it in the road?”

1. Because you’ll most likely get run over by a teenager texting while driving
2. Asphalt, as a sexual surface, is both hot and hard on the knees and hands

Is this why Willie Nelson is always On the Road again? (don’t answer, it’s rhetorical)

Do you believe in Magic by The Lovin’ Spoonful
Lyrical question: “Do you believe in Magic?”

No. I can always Google the answer to a magic trick…

What’s New Pussycat by Tom Jones
Lyrical question: “What’s new pussycat?”

3D televisions! Of course, back in your time, Tom, that would have been Tang and cyclamates

And to all of the artists that continue to ask questions, I will strive to answer them in a future post.

The Color Brown

2010-08-05T00:05:00.000-07:00

Yes, I’m actually participating in a Theme Thursday again this week. I know, you’re just glad I’m managing to post at all. Since the Theme is BROWN, I’ll expect a lot of brown nosing in the comments. Remember, the gnomes are always watching…and they control the blog tally!

But I’m feeling pretty basic today. Let’s examine Brown as a color. In the beginning there was brown…and it was good. Well…until the anal-retentive color people got a hold of it that is. Just take a look at the ridiculous colors we’ve named crayons to represent some shade of brown:

ACORN. Just because an object is a shade of brown doesn’t mean you should name a color after it. What if you’re in the arctic or deep in the jungle? You’re not going to know what an acorn is!

ALMOND. Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don’t! And sometimes you are nuts for naming a color after this!

BARK BROWN. Let’s hope this one isn’t one of those color-and-smell crayons because fresh bark dust smells like ass mist (not that I would personally know this)…

BEAVER. I know you want to go there, I know you do. Let’s just suffice to say that Crayola really pushed the suggestive-childrens-material envelope with this one.

BEIGE. If you took away every “beige” house in the suburbs you wouldn’t have any suburbs.

BURNT SIENNA. This is an old name for a brown color. But really…I have no idea what a “sienna” is and would guess that if you burnt it, it’s be charcoal black, not brown. Stop messin’ with our minds!

BUTTERNUT. First of all, have you really ever seen a nut full of butter? Yuck! Secondly, we get that nuts are mostly brown…stop naming colors after them!

CARMEL. I’ve been there, its south of the Bay Area in California and a bunch of rich celebrities live there. The only time I’ve seen it brown is when the government mandated water restrictions even on the rich during the summertime.

CHOCOLATE. Sure…piss off the white chocolate by naming a brown color this.

CORN FLAKE. I kid you not! Apparently RoseArt named a brown colored crayon with this. Would you eat a brown Corn Flake? And now I know why they never really make a dent in Crayola’s domain!

DESERT SAND. It’s like saying “ANIMAL”. There are so many variations, who knows what color that conjures up for people.

FUZZY WUZZY BROWN. Who knows what shade of brown this is but it sure makes me want to wash my hands from listening to it. They already feel kid-sticky.

I could go on and on and on. There are hundreds of ridiculous brown color names out there to confuse us. But instead, here are a few that aren’t there:

DIAHERIA BROWN. Come on…that’s universally known!
BROWN NOSE. It’s similar to the above color but the shade is much deeper…

We could have a few regional colors:

CALIFORNIA SUMMER HILLSIDE BROWN
ARIZONA FRONT LAWN BROWN
HUDSON RIVER BROWN

It's hard to be first anymore

2010-08-02T10:38:00.000-07:00

Being the first at anything is just getting harder and harder in a world with thousands of years of history and billions of people.

In the beginning it was easy…go outside and you’ve discovered something new. Travel a little bit and you’ve discovered a lake or an ocean or a new continent.

Of course, the original discoverers didn’t care about that and so when bored Europeans and Asians decided it was important and had to be written down for it to be real, they proceeded to discover all the same things again.

But as time went on it became harder and harder to discover much of anything. Continents gave way to obscure mountains, lakes or caves. Space is still viable but you have to devote your life to living under government funding to be able to discover anything there. Plus, who really wants to have to earn a PHD in physics just to do so!

Back on Earth it’s all in how you spin it. From the tallest tree to the tallest specific type of tree to the tallest specific type of tree growing within an urban setting to the tallest tree specific type of tree growing within an urban setting that hasn’t been climbed by a kid.

Ah, the need to be first. Uggh.

It's the best thing

2010-07-29T19:22:00.000-07:00

"It’s the best thing since sliced bread…”

You’ve got to wonder about that statement. Everything that gets applied to it doesn’t seem to stick. Let’s say that comes up about the cell phone. We’ll, if that was true, wouldn’t we then be saying “It’s the best thing since the cell phone.” No…instead we still use the sliced bread analogy. It’s like sliced bread has a lock on “the best” and is going for the record!

What’s the record? Not sure, but before sliced bread they were probably saying “It’s the best thing since the invention of the wheel.” It has to be. People keep trying to invent it!

Before the wheel they said, “It’s the best thing since fire”. Well, people living around the equator probably weren’t that impressed with fire actually but up North they were finally able to thaw out grandpa…boy was he pissed too.

Before fire, who knows? You could say sex…but this was before they invented ladies scented body wash or deodorant or razors or anything so I’m thinking not. Maybe they just didn’t have a best thing back then.

Coffee People, you make life suck!

2010-07-27T09:56:00.000-07:00

I think I’ll just piss off 90% of the adult population by saying that I hate coffee people.

Actually, it’s not so much the coffee drinkers, it’s the organization around serving their addiction that has me irked.

Everywhere I go, there seems to be one person that does both the coffee and the cashier work for other food items that don’t require a 700 step operations plan!

Case in point:

I’m at the hotel spa gift shop and I need to discretely purchase an anniversary card because despite having the brilliant foresight to get married on my birthday so I wouldn’t forget my anniversary, I did indeed forget to purchase a card proactively.

Anyway, I get a small window of opportunity when the wifey-poo needs to run back up to our room for who-knows-what-because-females-just-do-such-things. I quickly run into the gift shop, choose between the three anniversary cards they have (which, by-the-way, still offered a better selection than my mega-Hallmark store at home…more is not better, Hallmark!).

All of 40 seconds have transpired and I’m ready to pay with cash but there are two people already in the store and they have coffee orders going so the lady running the store doesn’t even see me as she busies herself with a myriad of coffee related activities

Expresso shots, steamed milk, sprinkles and God knows what else but the minutes roll by and I’m still standing there.

The wifey-poo shows back up and I send her on to the dining room to get a table for breakfast. More minutes go by.

Oh.my.God

More minutes go by. It’s now been six minutes and the clerk hasn’t once looked up from her coffee addict slavery routine despite my repeated attempts to clear my throat and gain her attention without sending the caffeine starved customers into a rage against me.

There are two rules to always follow in life: Don’t get between a mother and her cubs out in nature and don’t get between a coffee addict and their coffee in the morning.

Finally the wifey-poo comes back out and is shouting at me from the hallway that she has a seat and if I actually want breakfast I’d better get moving because the buffet line is starting to look like a Beatles reunion concert.

But she’s paved the way for the clerk to realize that there is something beyond a triple shot mocha latte with extra caramel flavoring and whipped cream. And thankfully I am able to just throw money at her and escape with card in hand letting her keep the change because it’s not worth the extra wait to get it by now. I now know how to completely strip a gift store of their merchandize without them knowing it….just order a complex coffee concoction and start grabbing and loading the car…

I'd do Anything for You

2010-07-23T22:27:00.000-07:00

Just the other day I somehow wandered into a place playing old 80s songs and before I could back out of the store with my hands over my ears shouting “Nah nah nah nah” in the vain hope of not letting any big hair rock ballads enter into my brain and stay there tormenting me for the rest of the day, a song from Gloria Estefan and the Miami Sound Machine blurted out through the loudspeaker.

“I’d do anything for you….” she sang.

Now given the plethora of earworms that could have been playing; that one wasn’t so bad. It has a nice melody and all you have to do is grab a few tissues for the wifey-poo to wipe up the sentimental tears and all is good.

But this particular song always has me wondering…

“Really? You’d actually do anything?” I would mentally ponder.

And of course, being VE, I then end up diving down into a disturbing mental list of ridiculous nonsensical scenarios that I would suggest she prove her commitment with…

Would you run through the streets in Iraq with a T-shirt that says ‘Islamic Fatwas are just talk, talk, talk’?

Would eat a jumbo jar of Skippy peanut butter in one sitting with no milk and then whistle Take me Out to the Old Ball game right afterward?

Would you build a sail boat out of twinkies and try to make it to the Somalian beach with a sign that says “We buy Gold for cash” on the sail?

Would you go on national television and try to appeal for the release of Linsay Lohan by making a passionate plea about her undiscovered good virtues?

Would you dress up as a Jewish divorce attorney and trick or treat at Mel Gibson’s house?

You have no idea how long I could continue this list…

You're damn right it's my Birthday

2010-07-22T11:49:00.000-07:00

That's right...today's my birthday. So far only one person has acknowledged that...the wifey poo. That's ok though...I get even with the gnomes later...I'm going to swap their colorful pointed hats with white Gilligan's Island sailor caps. I know...it's cruel.

I observe three rules during my Birthday

1. I don't work on my Birthday

And while I try my darndest to make this an everyday rule, people keep wanting money for my house, my food, my toys, etc. etc. etc. No wonder cavemen didn't evolve much....they didn't have to! Alas...this year I'm working on my Birthday. No work, no pay. I feel guilty about violating my rule...

2. It doesn't rain on my Birthday

Despite yet another "marine layer" sneaking up to suffocate a perfectly clear blue sky this morning, I will not tolerate rain...something I haven't seen on my Birthday ever. It helps that my Birthday is in late July around here because that's a pretty safe bet. The years that it did rain here I was elsewhere. I almost had it violated two years ago when I got married (always have your wedding on your Birthday...helps with remembering anniversaries). The day was friggin' cold and cloudy and we were in summer attire (this Tuxedo stuff is for the dumb!) so we did freeze but it didn't actually rain.

3. I don't do "chores" on my Birthday

That honey do list that grows every.single.day? Ignored. Dinner? It's either served or we eat out. Of course I can't request it being served or I'd probably get served a quite frank and direct opinion on that request from the wifey-poo. But sometimes she likes to make something special for the occasion. That would involve some variation of a hunk of meat. You vegetarians shoo off now...go graze and we'll stalk you down and consume you later...

This year is a non-event year. You know...the ones between the decade celebrations designed to make you feel exactly as old as you are...

And let's all be thankful I had time to post anything at all

2010-07-20T13:23:00.000-07:00

Well it is already Tuesday and I suppose that means a new post of nonsense, doesn’t it?

Of course, the gnomes have kept me hostage (ok…work has) so I don’t have anything prepared. Not to worry…I’ll just spew random observations…

Why has it taken me until just last week to realize that “Beaver” in the “Leave it to Beaver” show would be called “Beaver Cleaver” because that was the last name of the family? Seriously…was that an inside joke or am I just the last person on the planet to find that a bit weird and disturbing (and funny)?

You know, going back to the same famous company I used to work for before they laid me off and now being a contractor, not an employee has many advantages:

a. I got a nice fat severance packet and an opportunity to vacation for a year; everyone else got more work and less people to do it!

b. I don’t have to worry about my “career” by dealing with people I don’t like…I pick my project and the people I’ll work with before I even commit to going there instead of having no choice.

c. I get paid for overtime…no more of the typical “salary employee” abuse

d. I get to work on the campus (and it’s a REALLY nice campus...because, hey, they even call it a campus even though it is a company headquarters). I hadn’t had that opportunity in the last 9 years! We always had to work from the crappy “satellite” buildings hovering too far away to walk and too close to take your car and then try and find a parking spot close.

e. If at the end of this contract I want to take off for 3 months and go to Australia…I can! There will always be another contract need.

Fortunately I am working because I’m a bit irritated with Portland’s summer weather. We get this morning “marine layer” of clouds that are supposed to “burn off” by lunchtime. Of course, that would only be California where they actually do burn off by lunchtime. In Portland, if they burn off at all, it’s typically by about 7pm…just enough time to validate that there really is a sun still. After that, it’s pretty much sunset and dark.

Now I have a problem with the term “marine layer” anyway. Who invented that? I don’t see crabs and starfish hovering around above me and it’s not like I live on the beach either. No…this “marine layer” has to navigate over a mountain range to reach our town…that’s not very marine-like….unless you’re referring to our military outfit that is. Weathermen…they should not be paid if they don’t get it right. In fact, I’m going to go stalk my weatherman tonight for inflicting misty rain and 52 degrees this morning on a day forecast to be 84!

Miracle Toast

2010-07-17T19:48:00.000-07:00

Remember not long ago when we had the special toast? You know, famous images seemed to appear on toast and be claimed as a divine sign…or a tasty lunch.

I don’t think we milked that concept enough so I’ve had the gnomes busy on coming up with….

Miracle Toast! The bread that gives more than mold for Penicillin…

That’s right…bread that toasts into famous historical figures and celebrities.

Thanks to invisible chemicals sprayed on the bread you too can be amazed that the images that toast up. We offer many special themes or just take a grab bag.

The infamous people loaf is a great one for the inlaws. Imagine serving a nice BLT with Hitler burned into the toast to your mother-in-law. The possibilities are endless.

In fact, we are now putting kiosks all around where you can insert your own set of photos and have miracle toast images generated for you based on those images. Won’t little Johnny freak out when he toasts some bread for hot chocolate and find an image of his third grade English teacher! And sneak in that dictator one into your boss’ morning breakfast…

Yes, Miracle toast…I’m telling you…this is the best thing since…well…sliced bread.

Dial-A-Rant

2010-07-15T07:36:00.000-07:00

Today’s Theme Thursday is HELP and it occurs to me that after the seemingly never ending profanity-laced racially-slurred tapings of Mel Gibson all get out on the airways, he’s going to need some help with his new career since he trash talked his way out of the old one.

Yes, not since Lindsay Lohan went to Cannes instead of court or Tom Cruise verbally slapped Brook Shields in public has a celebrity been this stupid.

But I can help with a new career. In the tradition of the old Dial-A-Joke phone number you could call and get some lame joke told to you…Mel can start his own Dial-A-Rant.

That’s right, you can either call on your overpriced mega-feature cell phone and Mel will appear and verbally chew you out. You can customize it too. You can scale the level of profanity as well as choose the race you would like him to slur. In fact, you can even have him incorporate your favorite Mad Max and Lethal Weapon lines into his trash talking dialogue.

Don’t have an overpriced mega-feature cell phone? Don’t worry…for a small fee you can use your overpriced computer or laptop through your overpriced internet service provider to get on to the Dial-A-Rant web site and for a few you can watch Mel chew you out or even designate one of thousands of other celebrities that he’ll be happy to spit words of fire at.

Yes, thanks to VE’s creative help…Mel will still get to keep his mansion and put caviar on the table…

Fantasy Road Rage

2010-07-13T00:05:00.000-07:00

It’s a pity I enjoy my job because I’ll soon be rich from my next invention.

I call my new product Fantasy Road Rage.

It’s a screen you mount next to the driver’s seat with a camera both in front of the car and behind the car that project what you’re seeing onto the screen. Then, at red lights when your car isn’t actually moving (thanks to a sensor that detects so which can easily be uninstalled until you kill somebody and Oprah bans the uninstallation feature) you can simulate whatever you would like to have happen in front of you or behind you with the actual cars you’re seeing.

Watch in road rage glee as you invoke a semi-truck to suddenly come out of nowhere and “take out” the two idiot cars in front of you that don’t seem to get the anti-cell phone law.

Have an elephant drop on that irritating pedestrian that gave you the stink eye just because you stopped at the last minute while they were crossing the street.

Drop nails small land mines for those tailgaters behind you that won’t seem to stop riding your bumper in hopes they can gain 10 feet on you by passing illegally.

You’ll have so much fun with the possibilities of revenge that you’ll begin to cherish missing a light. You might not even want to go when it turns green! (which of course will prompt the guy behind you to use his Road Rage game to wipe you out with a sudden stampede of wild animals that send your car end over end until it explodes.)

Available at all VE stores soon!

This Just In

2010-07-11T00:05:00.000-07:00

I know...let's go with a concept I call "This just in..." where I take you through a myriad of pictures with my own take on the news story headline starting with "This Just in..."

The Green Movement have unveiled their environmentally friendly umbrellas

Women are demanding bras that are multi-functional

New Fastfood bathroom building ordinances will help reduce the overweight issue

Man goes bankrupt at the grocery store paying for oversized root by the pound

Bankers no longer providing school loans require students to spend 75 years in school before affording their diploma

Angry French fries have taken over the country of Chad

Magic 8 Ball Revisited

2010-07-08T21:25:00.000-07:00

Whoa…apparently I have no balls. No, not literally. No, not even couragically (my word…you can’t use it). No, I totally missed another Theme Thursday post after having signed up. The theme was “balls”. One wonders what I would have come up with for that! That’s right…you don’t want to know.

Oh, ok, I’ll go ahead with the post late anyway…heck, I still made Thursday for Pacific Daylight Time.

Updated Magic 8-ball sayings.

That’s right. Do you realize how long the Magic 8-ball has been using the same old tired responses to your most urgent questions? I mean, come on, even fortune cookies have gone realistic and give you bad fortunes now. It’s time to update the answers to fit today’s world.

Four Theories and a Mystery

2010-07-05T00:05:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I’m glad I actually get out of the house from time to time. Had I not, I wouldn’t have noticed the Globe magazine next to the checker who was trying to figure out how much my imported organic fruit costs because somebody forgot to sticker it and now he has to search the Dictionary of Fruit Prices Book, Volume 17. I mean, hey, he’s a checker…you can’t expect him to memorize 4,273 different fruit and vegetable prices.

But I’ve digressed. Apparently, right there on the front page, was this:

Where Is Michael's Corpse?

Michael Jackson's body is NOT inside the golden casket publicly put into a crypt at California's famous Forest Lawn Cemetery, a security expert close to the Jackson family tells GLOBE. As the world marks the first anniversary of the King of Pop's tragic death, a bombshell report unravels the mystery of Michael's missing corpse. Find out all the explosive details - ONLY in GLOBE!

Of course, I never support such magazines by purchasing them. I do the 10 second scan like everyone else. And now it has me wondering where his body is. I have a couple of theories.

Theory 1: Plastic Surgery collectors have stolen his body for rare early and experimental plastic surgery pieces for their collections. Since I am a collector myself (but not of this) I wouldn’t put it past them!

Theory 2: He didn’t die at all and he’s living with Patrick Swayze, JFK, Elvis and Jimmy Hoffa on a secret island until he can transform the rest of his body to look like Janet.

Theory 3: His father took it. He’d lost all his bids to live off his son’s money and so now he’s holding it hostage in hopes for more money he didn’t earn.

Theory 4: He’ll be making his grand reentrance next month now that his death and mourning has spurred renewed interest in his music and allowed him to pay off all his spending debt. This should be enough to last for another 10 years of new music nobody will buy just like nobody buys new music from Paul McCartney

And I’m sure you have your own theories about this situation…

Things to put on Maps

2010-07-03T04:00:00.000-07:00

Some people wanted to know what VE could possibly get paid to do. Well, if you must know, I am being paid as a project manager to lead a team of people at a major sporting goods company. It’s sort of like blogging…I make things up and they believe or disbelieve them and then discuss what I’ve written…

Now…on to our regularly scheduled humor…

Back when I believed that I could make money publishing stupid humor and selling it at airports to people desperate to find something amusing after their body cavity search over at the security checkpoint, I came up with the concept of a book of nothing but a map of the USA on every page. Each map would have some different theme though. Here are a few themes I came up with:

1. Places your family made you go to while kidnapped on a family driving vacation

2. Famous people were arrested or died here (who and why)

3. Places without a fast food restaurant

4. Where you can drain your gas tank just idling during rush hour

5. Unusual homes you secretly want to live in

6. Places where they never take down their Christmas lights

7. Museums you’ve never heard of

8. Places nobody knows why anyone settled there in the first place

9. Places you’re sure you stepped through either a time warp or a space worm hole to parallel planet

10. Places where there are still fully operating enclosed phone booths

11. Locations of actual working Ford Pintos

When Blue Should and Should Not Be

2010-07-01T00:05:00.000-07:00

Today is Theme Thursday again and the theme is BLUE.

The thing about a color like blue is that we already have preconceived notions of what should and should not be blue. For example, the Blue Meanies...we just accept that they will always be blue.

A swimming pool should be blue. You don't expect a pool full of red water....unless you're in a cult in Guyana or you're living too close to the lava in Hawaii...

The Blue Man Group. You're already conditioned that they're blue.

They could have been any color really...but it's too late to change.

See what I mean.

So if there are things we expect to be blue then there are things that just shouldn't be blue because, well, because! Let's examine.

1. Houses

I know, they exist...but they shouldn't. No matter how hard people try to introduce blue as an acceptable color for a house, it's just not gonna happen!

2. A Rose

I don't care if science has been able to create this now...it's just wrong.

3. Worms

Worms need to be brown. Dirt is brown and therefore worms should be too. As soon as you find some natural blue dirt, I'll start accepting blue worms.

4. Bread

Sometimes its the simplest of things that revolt our senses and blue bread certainly does it. It conjurs up mold to the imagination which doesn't activate our taste buds much...

5. Hair

Call me old fashioned, but blue hair belongs on Star Trek not out in society. You don't see them making blue hair coloring kits in the dye sections of Walgreens or Rite Aid for a reason!

Slug Bug

2010-06-28T13:20:00.001-07:00

Hey everyone...I have a job. I know...cry for me. But on the plus side I'll get to go back to blogging on a semi-normal regularity once I get going next week. Oh, and I'll get to keep my house too...so bonus.

Ok, onto some humor.

You've played...everybody must have. Slug Bug. You know...you see a VW Bug and yell it out as you hit somebody in the arm. Good cheap entertainment! But let's look at the game through history...

Of course we have to start with Hitler of all people...his invention you know...

And the VW bug was synonymous with the hippy movement...
Let's not forget Herbie...

Yes, even the Beatles were influenced...

The game tends to distract even the most focused of people...

And sometimes the game is difficult to call...

Fun with Graphs

2010-06-24T08:06:00.001-07:00

I thought I'd take a break from my usual Theme Thursday this week and leave you with some visual humor instead.

Song Mashups you’ve been hoping to avoid forever

2010-06-22T21:13:00.000-07:00

Lola (by the Kinks) and Copacabana (by Barry Manilow)

I don’t know why anybody hasn’t done this one yet. Am I the only one stupid enough to cross that bad taste line?

I know what you’re thinking…this isn’t going to be pretty…

First of all, we’ll do the Lola version of the mashup:

I met her in a club down in Cocacabana
Where you dance cha-cha as your feet stick to spilled cherry-cola
C-o-l-a cola

I worked in the bar and I made all her drinks
I asked her her name and in a Latin infused voice she said Lola
L-o-l-a Lola lo-lo-lo-lo Lola

Well I may be the world’s most cheesy songwriter
Cause I introduced Rico as the jealousy fighter
Over my Lola lo-lo-lo-lo Lola
Well I’m not dumb but I can’t understand
Why I fought Rico for her when I knew she was a man
Oh my Lola lo-lo-lo-lo Lola lo-lo-lo-lo Lola

Well we broke tables and punched each other a lot
Until there was a single gun shot
She picked me up and sat me on her knee
And said dear boy make your will out to me
Well I’m not the world’s most passionate guy
But when I looked in her eyes I bled all over Lola
Lo-lo-lo-lo Lola Lo-lo-lo-lo Lola
Lola Lo-lo-lo-lo Lola Lo-lo-lo-lo Lola

I pushed her away
I walked to the door
I fell to the floor
My liver fell out down by my knees
Then I looked at her and she at me

Well that’s the way that I want it to stay
And I always want it to be that way for my Lola
Lo-lo-lo-lo Lola
Girls will be boys and boys will be girls
And Rico changed his sex that next year just for Lola
Lo-lo-lo-lo Lola

Well they got married just a week before
And Rico’d never kissed a man before
But Lola smiled and took her by the hand
And said dear girl I’m gonna be your man

Well this isn’t the world’s most mixed up song
But I know that it’s close and that makes it so wrong
And so is Lola
Lo-lo-lo-lo Lola Lo-lo-lo-lo Lola
Lola Lo-lo-lo-lo Lola Lo-lo-lo-lo Lola

Ok, let’s do the Copacabana version now:

Her name was Lola l-o-l-a Lola, she was a dragqueen
With yellow feathers in his hair and his Johnson hung down to there
He would meringue and drink cherry cola c-o-l-a cola
And while he tried to be the star, Tony Danza tended bar
Across the champagne spilled floor, they worked from 8 till 4
They were young and mixed up
Who expected more?

At the Copa C-o-p-a Copa drag show
The hottest spot south of Soho
At the Copa C-o-p-a Copa
Genders and sexual choices
Were as confusing as their voices

His name was Rico R-i-c-o Rico, he wore a Cubic Zirconium
He was escorted to his chair, he saw Lola dancin’ there
Well Rico wasn’t the world’s sharpest crayon in the box
But when he squeezed Lola there, Tony had his stunt double care
And the prat falls were on while the stunts ran along
Then there was a single gun shot
But just who shot who?

At the Copa C-o-p-a Copa drag show
The hottest spot south of Soho
At the Copa C-o-p-a Copa
Genders and sexual choices
Were as confusing as their voices
At the C-o-p-a Copa…she lost her gender identity

Her name is Lola L-o-l-a Lola, she was a drag queen
But that was 30 years ago, when she could get it up for the show
Now there’s Viagra, but not for Lola
Still in the dress she used to wear, overstretch from here to there
She sits like a crazy loon, drinking well before three
She lost her Tony and Tony lost his acting gig
To reality TV

At the Copa C-o-p-a Copa drag show
The hottest spot south of Soho
At the Copa C-o-p-a Copa
Genders and sexual choices
Were as confusing as their voices
At the C-o-p-a Copa

C-o-p-a Copa, don’t fall in love
C-o-p-a Copa
C-o-p-a Copa

Oh yes, I stepped waaay over the line this time.

Deeper into the hole we go - A Friday Flash 55

2010-06-18T00:02:00.000-07:00

Thirteen trillion, twenty four billion, six hundred and fifty three million, five hundred and ninety seven thousand, four hundred and thirty four dollars and twenty eight cents.

That was the national debt at the second I looked at it. Now…if I had that percentage of debt, do you think anyone would loan me more money?

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A Flash 55 is a story written using exactly 55 words. Visit Mr. Knowitall to read other Flash 55 entries this week.

A Camera is worth a Thousand Pictures

2010-06-16T07:35:00.000-07:00

This week’s Theme Thursday is CAMERA. Since I arrived at last week’s TT so late, I thought I’d be a day early this time. I know…that’s like camping out at the movie theater a full day early for Beverly Hills Chihuahua 2 so I’d be first to see it. Don’t laugh either…they actually did a sequel.

But let’s examine all things camera.

In the old days you had to use film. You needed a dark room to have it developed. Well, that’s a bunch of BS…my basement room was plenty dark and it NEVER developed my film!

The other problem was the size of the good cameras. You know, to get those nude beach shots you really had to lug around a ridiculous sized camera.

Eventually, they miniaturized them…and well, they went a bit extreme if you ask me.

Now, along the way to the credit card camera you keep ruining by putting into the ATM machine on accident were a lot of whacky designs.

Take this one, for example.

Apparently they should have waited for Avatar before trying 3D pictures…

Then there was all the techno crap they kept adding.

I’m sure that one was stolen from the Borg…

Of course, spy cameras were all the rage and regular people wanted them too. Hence, these wonders…

Then there were the impractical designs that only America (or Japan) could come up with. As with any product ever made, you have to have a gun version

And let’s not forget stupid combination gadgets.

Because you never know when you’ll need to calculate the right shutter speed on your digital camera…

Eventually, they put cameras right onto your cell phone and dropped the need for a physical calculator. Of course, even camera phones had to go through some early prototypes…

And finally, it wouldn’t be Fantastical Nonsense without a ridiculous vehicle featuring the theme…

More Fun with Proverbs

2010-06-13T20:04:00.000-07:00

If you’ve noticed, I’m not on my regular publishing schedule….it’ll have to suffice for now. I have to put most of my efforts in getting employed…much to my dissatisfaction. Meanwhile…let’s do some funny.

Hey, I know, let’s have more fun with our old friends, proverbs.

Here is a couple we can add ancillary ones too:

A friend in need is a friend indeed
The friend I tweet is the friend I’ll never meet

An apple a day keeps the doctor away
No insurance today keeps the doctor away

Oh…and let’s finish these off because they didn’t quite do the job…

He who can does, he who cannot, teaches
He who cannot teach…sells, he who cannot sell is in government

April showers bring May flowers
Or as we say here in Portland…
April showers bring May showers which bring June showers which bring July 4th showers which brings summer

It's no use crying over spilt milk
It’s no use crying over spilt milk on your new cell phone…it’ll be outdated in a month anyway

And then of course here are some with your usual snarky VE comments…

Don't bite the hand that feeds you
Wait until they retire and throw them into a home

Flattery will get you nowhere
Un-flattery will get you beat up

Good things come to those who wait
Yeah…like death

He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Unless your spouse sells it on ebay while you’re at your annual guys weekend out

Bad Candy

2010-06-10T08:13:00.000-07:00

Well I’m late to the party…but I did make it. Today’s Theme Thursday is CANDY.

Let’s take a look at some of the WORST candy ever made. No, not what your dentist shakes his head at…that’s the good stuff. I’m talking about the stuff you secretly want to flip off the guy that gave it to you when trick-or-treating at Halloween.

In no particular order…

Durian Candy. We’re fortunate that this stuff isn’t hanging around your local store. Many of you may never have even heard of it. Durian is that nasty fruit that smells like ass when ripe. Most hotels forbid it in their establishment because of the putrid smell. So what to do with the God-awful stuff? Yeah…make some candy out of it. WTF?

Bit-O-Honey. First of all…bit of honey, my ass. Sorry…was on the ass theme still from the last candy and having trouble shaking it (bad pun inserted intentionally). Candy shouldn’t have a bit of anything. It should be Lot-O-Chocolate or Lot-O-Sugar or something more appealing. This is the candy that the wheat germ naturalists buy to feel like the rest of us when company comes over. “Yes, we have candy…” they say. But just look at it! I mean come on, that blob of whatever has to have that decorate wrapper or NOBODY would buy it…well, except the naturalists…

Chocolate Skittles. There are a couple of problems here. Normally chocolate wouldn’t be on any “worst candy” list unless it’s that hideous cheap Easter crap but everyone knows better than to bite into a 5lb chocolate Easter bunny that was purchased for $1.99. No, first of all, you know how I feel about Skittles. They’re wrong! I’m old school and they remind me too much of M&Ms but then I don’t get that M&M enjoyment, I get some fruity taste. But then, they had to go and make chocolate ones. This is like the chocolatification (my word) of cereals. You know, Chocolate Cheerios, Chocolate Special K, Chocolate Apple Jacks…it never ends. So now are they doing this with candy? What’s next…chocolate LifeSavers? Chocolate Double-Mint Gum?

Ok…there are more hideous candies out there. Zagnuts and Sucrets (oh wait, those aren’t technically candies) and such. Perhaps you know more BAD candy…

Advertising Faux Pas

2010-06-06T00:05:00.000-07:00

Every time I drive down this one highway, I see this pathetic business not too far away that has this giant stream of balloons floating above it. I don’t know what the business is because it’s too far away to tell.

I have to laugh though because I envision it’s a used car business and this scenario having happened…

Owner: We need a really big advertising push….one that everyone will sit up and take notice.

Brother-in-law heads down to the party store and comes back with a stream of balloons that he floats above the building…

Owner: That’s it? That’s your big advertising idea? Floating balloons over the building? You’ve got to be kidding me.

BIL: Then you pay billions for TV ads and tell everyone to follow the big balloons.

Owner has his grandmother try to find the lot by guiding herself with the big balloons

Owner: Apparently grandma is in the hospital.

BIL: Why?

Owner: She was so busy looking at the balloons trying to find the lot that she ran right into a parked car, you idiot!

BIL: But she’s old…younger kids wouldn’t do that.

Owner: Younger kids don’t look up from their cell phones. I tried to follow the balloons myself and it’s ridiculously hard. And what about during the winter when it gets dark early?

BIL: Ah…we fill them up with fireflies in them?

Buy One, Get One Free

2010-06-04T00:05:00.000-07:00

Here is your official VE guide to things you probably won’t find a “buy one, get one free” coupon for…

Vasectomies
Coffins
Tax Audits
Lifetime Achievement Awards
Baby adoption
Swimming pools
Basements
Pace Makers
Dictators
Suicide Kits
Home furnaces
Abortions
Sporting Teams
Tooth Removal
Your Will
A Divorce
Sprinkler systems
Home pool tables
Wedding Dress

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A Flash 55 is a story written using exactly 55 words. Visit Mr. Knowitall to read other Flash 55 entries this week.

A Whiter Shade of Theme Thursday

2010-06-03T00:05:00.000-07:00

The Theme Thursday this week is WHITE. Let’s not write another epic novel of a post. Let’s do something more visual…

Oh Poo!

2010-06-02T08:58:00.001-07:00

Now that I’ve passed that 1000 post mark, I’m in the club.

- I have the secret club decoder ring
- I know the special secret handshake
- I can sing our secret song at our secret virtual blog clubhouse

I feel I can also write whatever the hell I want to. Well, ok, like that ever stopped me before. With that being so, I’m going to write about poop! Because poop is disgusting and disgusting is funny!

Having to get after my kids to unclog the toilet because they ate an entire cow the day before and now we all have to suffer…I know a bit about the subject. Well, at least men…women poo behind closed doors at times they think nobody knows what they’re doing and then go to elaborate methods to remove all traces and odors of said event.

Men? We might leave any of the following…

The Old Growth. This is the mega poo. This is the one that you don’t want to admit came out of your butt because it’s so big it gets straddled over the toilet hole like an old growth tree bridge that isn’t going anywhere without a major, major flood. You’ve seen this poo before. It was in that Star Trek episode where Kirk had to fly another Star Fleet ship into it just to get rid of it. Yes, it’s that bad.

The Meteor. This is one of those dense strange meteor looking poo that you thought was going to be an old growth but were disappointed because now you have a poo with a deformity and there’s no government funding for such a situation. All you can do is hope that toilet black hole can suck it in without having to plunge.

The rabbit pellets. Sure, they might feel like nicely tapered perfect poo but they aren’t! Oh, and those aren’t coco puffs either. You’ve just been duped. Hang your head in shame and flush away…

The Big Bang. This might start out as a legitimate poo but somewhere in the process it goes terribly wrong in an unanticipated conversion from solid to liquid matter causing a complete explosion. Just make sure you are actually on the toilet when said event occurs. Oh…and try and emulate the women on this one…cover up all evidence; religious organizations don’t support the big bang!

Happy Memorialversary Day

2010-05-31T00:05:00.000-07:00

Wow, four years and a thousand posts later, here we are. Happy Memorialversary Day to me. That's right, I've had this blog four years as of today and I've written 1000 original humor posts during that time. That's a hell of a lot of material now that I think about it.

To celebrate, I’m just going to go random on you. Nothing fancy, nothing elaborate, just random VE thoughts. If a picture is worth a thousand words, what is a thousand posts worth? Let’s try 1000 seconds of random.

- When you’re on the fifth hour of Monopoly and there are none to be had because each of you owns part of one and nobody wants to trade so you’re just going around and around the board, do you also start to call the game Monotony by mistake?

- Do you think my Chia tie is holding me back from a successful job interview?

- Using chopsticks is like playing pinball with a raw egg. Unless you’ve wasted a lot of timing practicing, it’s just going to be a mess and why bother in the first place!

- I’m glad I have friends lending me tips in the job hunting process. For example, who would have known that at Starbucks ordering a hot chocolate with whipped cream and then drinking it with my vintage 70s crazy straw might not send the best impression to the hiring manager I’m talking with

- I have a theory that Vulcan kids changed the “Live long and prosper” slogan to “Oblong and perspire” as a joke but being so logical oriented, it doesn’t make a lot of sense.

- Eventually Survivor will have been on TV long enough that the real game will be the lone survivor who hasn’t been put on the show

- Don’t you think there should be sign in the waiting room at Urgent Care that says “Welcome to one of the last opportunities left to hand write a letter to everyone you know”

- In the future I think I can replace my wallet for the latest iphone. It’ll have all my ID digital and I can print out cash with a US Government Authorized SKU from the mini printer located in the phone. I can even use the wallet condom to wrap the phone in and protect it from water.

- Remember when we used to think Mercury was boiling hot on one side and freezing cold on the other? That makes for some interesting real estate when colonizing there. The rich have the choice spots right in between and the poor have to suffer with mostly boiling or mostly freezing. They would have to work in partnership to heat and freeze things.

- I need to market a new card for school reunions that says “Yep, I was expelled from the reunion too. Some things never change.”

- Isn’t divorce just a giant Edit/Undo key?

- I can see why cats don’t celebrate Birthdays. With nine lives, that’s a lot of time and effort.

- When my son finally graduates from High School, I’m going to say, “Congratulations, your note forging days are behind you!”

- While I enjoyed the Harry Potter books immensely, I’m glad they’re done. I’m tired of worry about every small little detail becoming something important in subsequent books. “Uncle Vernon just got drunk and pissed in his pants…clearly a sign for the future that Voldemort owns a tavern without a restroom. Unfathomable…”

- Whatever happened to the Sitar being used in mainstream rock music? I mean we copied everything else the Beatles originated.

- Who would win a fight to the death cage match…Gumby or Spongebob?

- As evolution continues to emphasize what is needed and deemphasize what is not, don’t you think some of our athletes are going to look funny? Take soccer players; won’t they start to look like Kangaroos with tiny arms?

Ok, that’s it…a thousand seconds of randomness or slightly more than 16 minutes of improv thoughts and humor. Now you know what I can come up with in 16 minutes.

As to the blog, well, it’s been a long strange journey for the first thousand posts and the trip only gets stranger from here so fasten your secret double seatbelt as we plunge further down into the next thousand.

Thanks to all of my over 500 different blog readers who have visited Fantastical Nonsense on the journey at some point in time. Without you, I’d be mumbling to myself (as usual).

999 is the new 666

2010-05-30T04:00:00.000-07:00

Even Satan gets a makeover every so often. It’s a common myth that perhaps 999 is the really evil number, not 666. And of course, this happens to be my 999th blog post so why not feature Lucifer for a blog post. I’ve already got a nice duplex down in hell with a lovely brimstone lined yard and a view of the pit of despair waiting for me so where’s the real harm.

Let’s use our PR agent again to evaluate Satan’s new look…

PR Agent: Well Lucifer, I have to say that I don’t think this new image makeover works in today’s society

Satan: But I’m going for truly despicable here.

PR Agent: Yes, but you’re still thinking old school. Here, I’ve outlined what is wrong number by number.

1. You can’t go with the flesh eating Tyrannosaurus anymore. Try pigeons…they might not create fear but they create a lot of irk, they’re much cheaper to feed and they crap on queue…

2. The whole eyeless thing is interesting but ultimately a devious pair of eyes is much better.

3. The horns have got to go now. Everybody is horny these days and everyone knows it. Displaying it is cliché.

4. This three snaked tongue thingy only works with the tat and piercing groups and you already have their allegiance. Stick with a simple hideous tongue stud…

5. Here’s where you need updating. This whole cutting yourself thing was gone after the Sex Pistols joined you down under. You need to work on cutting souls, not skin!

6. Unless that’s made in China and filled with lead paint, your headless acupuncture voodoo doll won’t take off as a truly dangerous toy. You need more small parts that babies can chew off and choke on and you need more disgusting things that parents can complain about.

7. Snakes are so yesterday. Try cockroaches; they’re just as effective and they’ve been around longer than you

8. See…the whole misty/foggy thing was over after MTV stopped showing music videos. Duplexes and continuous rainy weather get people down now.

Satan: Thanks, can you give me a mockup of my new image?

PR Man: Sure…here you go:

Satan: Perfect.

Comic Impersonations - George Carlin

2010-05-29T04:00:00.000-07:00

Remember my comic impersonations? You know, back when I took a shot at impersonating Stephen Wright and nailed it on my second attempt. You can see the first try here and the second one here.

This time I’m gunning for the upper echelon. Let’s go for George Carlin. I know; it’s a daunting challenge so I’ll keep it short this time. Here goes…

It’s no wonder men and women have such a hard time relating to each other. Let’s look at the Mr. America and a Miss America contest. You think they’d be about the same but man do they make it hard to find any similarities between the sexes.

In the Miss America contest they wear the swimsuit only once in order to get 15% of their judging score and the entire world criticizes them over it. In the Mr. America contest they strut around in their bikini swim briefs for the entire contest and nobody thinks twice about it.

In Mr. America they sometimes use dumbbells to help compete. In Miss America sometimes they have dumbbells competing.

In Mr. America a posedown is held to determine talent. In Miss America, a talent could involve a hoedown.

In Mr. America size matters most. In Miss America, most are mad about their sizes.

Contestants in Mr. America pump up before judging to gain an edge. Contestants in Miss America tape up before judging to gain an edge.

Update: In my defense of the lack of profanity...watch Carlin's famous "Baseball Football"

Stupid is as Stupid Does - A Flash 55 Friday Version

2010-05-28T00:05:00.000-07:00

I saw that Lindsay Lohan was arrested for attending the Cannes Film festival in France instead of going to a mandatory court date. Apparently international film festivals have a higher precedence than our legal system in her mind. The only part that irks me is that, while stupid, she makes more money than I do!

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A Flash 55 is a story written using exactly 55 words. Visit Mr. Knowitall to read other Flash 55 entries this week.

VE's Opti-Illusion will change the World

2010-05-27T00:02:00.000-07:00

It’s Theme Thursday today and the theme is Wrinkles. That gets me wondering about the vanity of plastic surgery, cosmetics, air-brushed photos, and a whole host of things designed at the futile attempt of keeping us young looking. But don’t worry…VE’s brain has been working on this (well…for a good 10 minutes of focus)…

In an effort to find the ultimate in vanity, VE researchers have unveiled their Opti-Illusion face product guaranteed to swindle billions from vanity hungry women and men the world over.

Opti-Illusion isn’t your run-of-the-mill make up. In contrast, it eliminates 100% of all face care needs. Consider this:

- Ever want to look like the airbrushed photos on the magazine?

- Wish your face looked like those Photo Shop pictures you spent 27 hours cleaning up?

- Face parts too weird but you don’t want to have it fall off like Michael Jackson’s did?

Opti-illusion is a high-tech surgical procedure of 100 strategically placed micro holographic video imaging display units that portray a perfect face behind the unperfect one you don’t want people to see.

That’s right, with Opti-illusion you have a 24-7 3-D digital image of your face allowing everyone to always see the beautiful young you…and you don’t have to do anything to make it so. Nobody can tell the difference thanks to the micro display that is just millimeters above your actual face.

Forget expensive skin care products
Forget expensive make up products
Forget any products

With Opti-Illusion you don’t ever have to look at your actual face again (if you don’t want to).

See for yourself…

Our custom rechargeable batteries run on your normal oil and sweat secretions…you never have to worry about replacing anything!

Act now and we’ll send you a coupon for our upcoming product: Opti-hair…where you can say goodbye to expensive haircuts or hair growing products that don’t work because you’ll have a perfect and modern hair projection system videoing the latest style you want…simply use our wireless interface to easily change your hair projection with an easy to use remote.

Oh yes, they'll both be in VE's Vanity store soon!

Never be too Honest

2010-05-26T04:00:00.000-07:00

With my whole unemployment situation, I’ve found it necessary to actually work at finding a job. It’s a first for me; I’ve never interviewed. The jobs I’ve had I just got through problem solving and discussion. But not anymore; now I’m at a certain level and it’s expected that I’ll have to go through some ridiculous questions in an interview. I’ve been studying the questions and then somebody pointed out that I couldn’t be so literal and honest with the questions. Here are some examples:

What are your strengths?

Well…my underarms can get pretty strong if I don’t shower after a bike ride. Oh, not what you were looking for? Well…this one time I picked up my Dad’s 100lb dumbbells without dropping them on my foot; that was pretty strong!

Why do you want this job?

It looks like it pays a lot but has vague goals allowing me to blog for the majority of the time while I occasionally create some fancy nonsensical Powerpoint presentation to make me look good.

When were you most satisfied in your job?

The moment I took off on my three month sabbatical to travel the world.

Are you willing to relocate?

Sure (I say as I slide the chair over to the other end of the room)

What was the most difficult period in your life, and how did you deal with it?

As a man, I don’t actually get periods. Sheesh. I would think you would know that!

Tell me about a time where you had to deal with conflict on the job?

Well this one time, I had to actually work…which conflicts with my “no work” goals in life

What would you do if you won the lottery?

Not be here!

And you can see…I need to work on refining my answers to accommodate the job hiring world. Yeah, it’s a work-in-progress…

Other Secret Warehouses

2010-05-25T04:00:00.000-07:00

Remember that last scene in Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark? You know, this one:

It’s where the government took the ark and sealed it into a crate and stored it into one of their special warehouses. Of course, they used the warehouse in the very last movie when geriatric Indy helps “borrow” an alien thingy in a crate in one of those places.

Well…VE’s crack team of investigators has just discovered two more of these kind of warehouses!

That’s right…the first one has been used to house actors that we don’t see on TV or films anymore.

Apparently they’ve been snatching actors, putting them in crates with a lifetime’s supply of Spam and water and storing them for who knows what.

So this is why we never seem to see some actors ever again!

Oh, and the other warehouse was filled with fad stuff that the government seized to eliminate the fad. You should have seen how many hoola-hoops and green stamps were in that place!

VE's Observations of Various TV Shows - Part 3

2010-05-24T04:00:00.000-07:00

Welcome to part three of a series where I’m sharing my own perspective on a few TV shows out there in TV wasteland.

This time I’m featuring: WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?

Yes, that’s right; it’s the third reality TV show in row. I promise next time to lose my reality. That’s sounds weird…

If you are not familiar with this show then you don’t have all the useless channels I have on cable. Instead of watching the riveting Golf channel or seven choices of Public Access Television, I somehow caught this show and then got sucked in for the whole series.

The premise of the show is to take celebrities and follow their genealogy roots back in time through their family history. Genealogy is huge these days. Everybody wants to know about where they came from. Now granted, watching a show on somebody else’s genealogy pursuit sounds a bit like watching a video of my tax accountant doing my income taxes at his desk but in reality, they made it fairly interesting.

- Mathew Broderick’s show took him back to one of his great, great grandfathers who died in the Civil War while fighting in Atlanta. He’d survived the Battle at Gettysburg only to have died of “a cannon ball through the head” during the next big battle. It’s a funny thing about cannon ball through the head injuries…you don’t have that same feeling of “will they live?” you get with a normal gunshot incidence.

- Spike Lee’s family history went back to a slave owner and the irony is that he ended up having a white redneck relative in Texas that he visited. Too bad Malcolm X is dead…it would have been even funnier to do that with his family history…

- Sara Jessica Parker had an accused witch for a relative during the Salem Witch hunts. I suspected she might be of witch decent judging from here insistence on using all three of her names just like assassins do. You know: John Wilkes Booth, Mark David Chapman, Lee Harvey Oswald. Apparently her ancestor was only accused of being a witch and before going to trial they terminated the court that sent all of the accused witches to be hanged. Good thing...because none of them ever got off with a warning...there's was no concept of three strikes and your out. Of course that is only because baseball hadn't been invented yet...

But the most ridiculous of all the stories was Brook Shield’s genealogy. Her roots took her to lavish Italian Villas of kings and nobility. But it didn’t stop there. No, she descended from France and they took her family tree back through famous kings and nobility where one of her descendents was born in the Louvre in Paris. That’s right, the Louvre! It wasn’t always a gallery…apparently it was a home at one time. Just your modest summer home. But it didn’t stop there. She also descended from King Louis the 14th; one of the most powerful Kings of all time. But it didn’t stop there. She descended from King Louis, who also a saint as well as the king that started all the kings. In all, they traced back to about 1000ad.

Sheesh! What are they going to do to top that next year?

Welcome to the Bob Dylan Who Do you Think you are series two kickoff episode…
Expert: Bob, we’ve traced your roots back to Adam and Eve.

Bob: This explains my bad side…

Expert: Not only that, Bob, but we’ve got God backstage and he wants to talk to you about writing a new Holy song since pretty much most music was influenced by your lyrics…

Bob: Great, feels like I'm knockin' on Heaven's door

Other things not to do while Driving

2010-05-23T04:00:00.000-07:00

We all know not to drink while driving. And I’m sure by now you’ve heard about Oprah’s campaign to ban texting while driving. That makes sense; I can barely text at home while walking without stumbling over the kitchen table or that new TV from UPS that I stole off the neighbor’s porch.

But texting isn’t enough. I’m concerned about a great many things people are doing while driving that they know better than to do. Here are just a few that Oprah should add to her list:

- Making balloon animals
- Doing yo-yo tricks
- Trying to solve Rubik’s cube
- Looking for something healthy in the ingredients on your Hostess Ho-Ho’s package

These things are concerning!

Oh, and these new motorcyclists trying to sneak in a few winks while waiting for the green light and then oversleeping? Yeah…it’s pissing me off!

It's all gonna happen and you can't stop it!

2010-05-22T04:00:00.000-07:00

Just when I approach burn-out and other suggest I go with fewer posts…

Just when friends like Jeff at View from the Cloud put their blog on hiatus when they’re unemployed because it is more responsible to focus on getting a job than blogging…

Just when readership hits an all time low…

For the rest of the month I’ll be doing daily blog posts!!!!

See…I’m crazy. I went the other way. But don’t worry…I have my purpose. I realized that something special could happen.

Monday, May 31st is Memorial Day. It also happens to be my fourth year anniversary for this blog. FOUR YEARS! Four years for a blog is like 270 in human years.

And that in and of itself is a pretty big deal but I also realized that not only will Fantastical Nonsense turn four on Memorial Day but that I could be celebrating my 1000th post on the very same day! That’s like having a snow day and getting laid! Wow! Ok, maybe I set the bar too high…but let’s have fun on the way to that event!

Now, since Kurt elegantly reminded me just once and then I proceeded to grind in the point until he quit blogging entirely…this is a humor blog….so here’s some humor…

Mom…I think you’ve overwatered the lawn…

Even in nature there are Mondays…

Ridiculous Out-of-the-box Solution

2010-05-21T00:05:00.001-07:00

I saw the Oscar Meyer Weiner Mobile out on the freeway yesterday. It was awesome. I mean, who wouldn’t want to ride around in that thing? Big things are great for advertising. I think Tampax should build a giant tampon and soak up that oil spill in the Gulf. Think of their bragging rights then!

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A Flash 55 is a story written using exactly 55 words. Visit Mr. Knowitall to read other Flash 55 entries this week.

VE's New Dog

2010-05-20T00:05:00.000-07:00

This week's Theme Thursday is PETS. Having just adopted a little black miniature schnauzer, I can relate to this theme.

Now the wifey-poo is a doggy expert. She's had three other mini-schnauzers before. But it took awhile to convince me. I'm an active guy and I was concerned that any dog we got wouldn't fit into my lifestyle. I mean, I was hoping for a dog that could waterski with me at the lake...

I like to ski in the winter. I want to be sure they can too...

Let's not forget the times at the beach surfing too...

Oh, and what about skateboarding with the kids?

And I definitely like to bike when the weather is nice so she had better learn to do that too...

I've always wanted to get into kayaking and should I do so, she had better be able to handle that as well...

I even expect her to go rock climbing with me. Hey, the answer is only "no" if you haven't tried. I mean...if this dog can do it, why not?

Of course, what really sold me on her though wasn't nearly as complicated as all of these sporting activities I didn't want to be prevented from doing because I now had a dog. No, what sold me was our last trip to Seattle when we were out walking with her and happened to pass by a restaurant with outside seating.

There were a couple of irritating guys seated with their dinner giving us the stink eye as they smoked on their cancer sticks to the irritation of all those around them. Our dog instinctively chose their table to do this in front of...

And I thought to myself, "yep, this is my dog. She knows how to get even!" Of course, we bagged the evidence and threw it away like good citizens but somehow I don't think their dinner was nearly as enjoyable after that and I doubt they gave any other dog owners the stink eye that evening.

The Fun House

2010-05-19T00:05:00.000-07:00

We were in Seattle the other month and right across from the Space Needle is this nightclub called “The Fun House”. I had to take a picture…

I don’t know about you, but that creepy clown head looming over the front door didn’t look like fun to me! How do they even attract customers with that scary thing?

Well, when we went back to Seattle, the clown head was gone! Poof! Either somebody stole it…or…it’s on the loose. I’ll leave you to ponder that one…